I launched Pancasara on September 27, 2007, in a cyber cafe in Jitra. I frequented that spot for almost every day since my downfall from my normal self. Everyone could see that I definitely changed completely since that catastrophic mid year of 2006.
Almost 8 years have passed since then. Things have gone both sideways...for the better and for the worse. In some sense, I'm getting better, wiser and more knowledgeable in spectrum of areas. But in another way, I'm getting worse. Most notably are my self-confidence and my dealings with other people. I never really improved my communication skills all this while. Maybe I need to put extra work on that.
I created Pancasara out of my love for writing. I have difficulty in explaining my ideas orally. And I just could not talk in front of more than two people comfortably. I would just stumble and stuck for words, stopping here and there looking for the right words to say...as if I'm slowly scanning words from my brain. So I chose not to speak in front of other people. I'd rather listen to their points and weigh their opinion inside my head.
I write faster than I talk. And I could explain myself better through writing. This is why Pancasara came into existence. He would help me explain myself to the world. He is my medium of communication, my messenger. I always maintain that Pancasara is an entity...he has his own distinct existence. I am not Pancasara, and Pancasara is not me. He has a life of his own...although he is not alive. He conveys my message to the world. And I'm completely sure he'll stick with me, at my side, come what may, no matter what.
For my love of writing, Pancasara was born. Love can create something out of nothing. We were born because of love. Love could also bind two extremely different people together. When love eventually subsides, that binding will also recede with the passing of time. For as long as my love for writing remains, Pancasara will continue to exist.
To date, not all my writings were published by Pancasara. About one third (1/3) of it still stuck in the draft mode, waiting to be released. Not all our writings are ripe for public reading instantly...some need time to develop itself, some were withhold to protect identities and sensitivity. And some were not published for no apparent reason.
I maintain my earlier position circa 2008/2009 that Pancasara told only the truth about me. I can safely say that 97% of the content of Pancasara is true. The other 3% error was due to my mishaps in memory, but I try to limit that to as little as possible.
I was loaded with monumental amount of works this coming month, so I will have no time to spend on two of my favourite past time, which are reading and writing. And passing the thirty years old age mark this year, I'm feeling older as days passed by. Maybe the time has come for me to attempt a Galois...there is nothing more for me to lose. I will start releasing stockpiles of my past writing which still remain hidden among the draft mode in Pancasara.
Am I attempting a staged suicide as per Galois? After all, my past has almost killed me back then. Wouldn't it attempt to kill me again this time around by reviving it back? Would it be better to be safe than sorry?
Absolutely no. I am a different person now. My past was all behind me...all I look forward now is the future. You cannot change the past, but you can definitely shape the future. I'm reviving my past writing for the sake of learning...we learned from our mistakes. And to remind myself that I was once a happy, passionate young boy trying very hard to fulfill his destiny. Although that destiny was now gone. And that passion is slowly diminishing.
All that special feeling has now gone. All I have now is that everlasting memory. It is not the destiny that matters, it's the journey.
And most importantly, my past will never define me ever again. From now on, I will define my past.