Saturday, August 31, 2013


I've been relishing my newfound blessing of unlimited internet access. The last time I could surf internet freely in the comfort of my room was almost four years back. Then, I was using my old, big desktop computer, bought way back in 2004. The internet connection was provided by Izam, a Shell-sponsored post graduate student from Sabah. She is now married to my former housemate Sabri, and they are currently living in the United States.

What sites do I regularly surf over the internet?

Pretty substantial, and diverse. I could surf internet for hours straight, reading all the materials on the site. There were some people in the past who mistakenly thought I was addicted to facebook...because I was always stuck to the screen of the computer. What more can you do for hours staring in front of the monitor rather than updating facebook?

Sadly, they were dead wrong. I don't have any facebook. I never had one. Actually, I did have one, but that was created by my friend without my consent. And I'd already deleted that account. As I've said so many times, I prefer to be anonymous, I prefer to be alone. For me, facebook is rubbish is kind of not that necessary.

Throughout this week, I've been reading voraciously scores of websites, blogs (some of it are quite good...some are hilarious) as well as forums and selected newspapers across the world. My housemate came around last night, he peeked at my laptop to see what video I was watching.

"Is it MatLutfi?"


It was actually andysunstory. I found his link accidentally over the youtube channel. But he does look like MatLutfi.

I didn't know MatLutfi until last year. Never even heard of him. I think he has a legion of fans, although I still couldn't grasp why. But to be fair, he's got some flair. Andysunstory is a bit of MatLutfi's version in english. He has a distinct accent (Australian?) that caught my attention. And he has messages too...although his points are always accompanied by that f* words. I think people should see his videos more, besides MatLutfi.

I texted my friend in Penang, asking whether she knew of Andy. She never heard of him. But when I explained that he's a bit like MatLutfi, she said she liked MatLutfi. She then proceeded to mention anwar hadi and aiman azlan as also in the same boat, and they are all popular.

Now, who is this fella anwar hadi, and who is this aiman azlan? I seriously have no idea, never heard of them.

Now I feel like I'm thoroughly detached from the current trends.

Now I feel old.

Friday, August 30, 2013


Just came back from training. 

Took pictures with the three of us holding racquet.

"To support squash bid for Olympics 2020", claimed abang Khalik.

Haha. That hope is getting slimmer day by day.

Practiced alone for about 10 minutes because abg Khalik was playing with Razie.

Sharon came moments later. Stopped the light training to have a chat with her.

She was her usual self, lively and outgoing.

"You are getting chubby?"

Am I?


Oh no.

"Wait a minute...are you having toothache?"

Yes...since two days ago. Is it too obvious?

"That's why. No seeing doctor?"

Of course no. I'm scared to death of dentist.

"Should see the doctor. It's getting severe"

Played five sets with Razie. Lost the first four but won the fifth. It was my stamina problem. My fitness is deteriorating rapidly. Need to recharge before MASUM. Or was it because of my toothache?

No...please don't find excuses.

Went straight to badminton court to play badminton after that gruelling five-setter squash. Partnered Razie for the first time ever. Lost the first match to a Chinese pair but won the subsequent two matches.

Played another three games, this time won straight sets.

Going to Sarawak stadium tomorrow with abang Khalik. Sarawak vs Kedah, Malaysia Cup. Have to make sure to contain myself from celebrating, in case Kedah score a goal. Sarawak fans are quite intimidating.

Time for my maggi.

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Reading The Minds Of The Geniuses

"Why is it that nobody understands me and everybody likes me?" 
- Albert Einstein, quoted in the New York Times, 12 March 1944 

Everybody loves genius person. There's some sort of mysteries surrounding them...that elegant, incomprehensible mind that makes them tick and flourish. But it's a rarity nowadays to find a true genius. Most of excellent students we see today are far from genius. They are brilliant, but they are no genius. It would be a true privilege to meet and talk to a genuine one.

Where are they? Where are these geniuses?

When I was in primary school, I was rated highly by my peers, to the extent that anything that came out of my mouth would be accepted as the ultimate, holy truth by them.

Whenever there was an election for class monitor, I would win hands down, only to be vetoed out afterwards by my class teacher, cikgu Aliyah. I have no leadership quality, she would say. I just nodded in agreement. What else can I say? She was right, I guessed. I was too soft and powerless to control the whole class.

So why did they hold me in such a high regards?

Because I consistently scored good grades during my primary schools. We were in the top class of the school, the class where teachers expected the bulk of us to do well in UPSR. I remember on one occasion, most probably in primary three, I scored full marks (100 marks) for bahasa melayu, english as well as mathematics...but nonetheless only 86 marks for pendidikan Islam. My class teacher of that time decided that I should be the best student (yes, they didn't bother to count the total was a rarity during that period, all the calculations were done and recorded manually).

But a certain Najib Rahman (yes, Najib Rahman...not Najib Razak) disagreed...saying he should be made the top student of the school. I remember almost vividly how he and the teacher totalled his marks. Najib scored above 95 for every subjects, and he was correct after all...he ended up beating me in overall score. I cannot recalled his exact score...but it was in the region of 390 compared to 386 of mine (just do the math...he was averaging 97.5 for each subject!). That was the start of our prolonged adversaries right until primary six. We exchanged positions as number one in school as if that spot was only reserved for us...but for all that I remember, I always had the upper hands over him. The other usual challengers were Mukrish and Khairul Selamat. They were all my best friends in primary school. Najib was made the school's head prefect afterwards. Remember I didn't have leadership quality? I didn't even been appointed as prefect at all. But I harboured no hard feelings whatsoever...I didn't care that much.

So did that make us genius? A BIG NO. NOT A CHANCE. NOT EVEN CLOSE. Even though some thought of us of being genius, we were far from it. We were above average at best. Yes to a certain extent, I did succumb to the assumption that I maybe a sort of a genius freak, because everybody said so. But that was before I stepped  into my secondary school. A completely different world awaited me. Najib went on to study in Sek Men Agama Kedah, the premier school in Kedah for Islamic studies, while I was incredibly lucky to receive a corporate scholarship to study in a private school.

Enter Hazman (his real name is Hazman Helmi, if memory served me right), who was always glued to his mobile phone every night. Interestingly, he sweet-talked and laughed with his girlfriend on the mobile phone while his hand was busy doing his add math. I did try to imitate his trick but I could just finished half of the work, and tragically half of it was wrong answers. And Thaqina, who was purportedly able to memorize the pages of the textbook. When was the Pangkor Treaty signed? She would answer 1874, and she would then explain that the answer was extracted from page this and that from the textbook. Call that genius or crazy, I'm not sure. Maybe she was both.

Hazman was among the creme de la creme of the nation, I remember watching him appeared in Selamat Pagi Malaysia (TV1) programme to be interviewed after the SPM result was publicly announced. I didn't know Thaqina that well. We were both selected to feature as Master of Ceremony (MC) for the grandiose Talentime competition for three years running. It was among the biggest occasion of the school and billed as the perfect platform to promote yourself. I remember being in awed of her prowess in English. She was head and shoulders above me, no slightest doubt about that, and I felt truly humbled. I quit the task on the third year, citing fatigue as the reason, and it surprised many. Miss Judy, the music teacher supremo, indirectly telling me in front of my whole class to rethink of my decision. But I stood my ground. I didn't need all that limelight. I preferred to remain anonymous, even until today. My place was rightly filled by my close friend Mussadiq, who happened to have a secret crush on Thaqina. Hazman and Thaqina, however, both went to Oxford and LSE (London School of Economics) respectively.

There were plenty more of these geniuses around me during those times...Zaki Kastor also came to my mind. A big guy with a big heart and a big mind. Maybe I'll touch on them later when I have free time.

As I grew up into adolescent, my fascination with genius people continues. I tried finding a way to fathom their thinking...why are they so different from the rest? Was it nature or nurture? Can we train our children to be genius? Take Athens and Sparta for instance...geographically they are very close to each other, but their achievements differed greatly. Most of the great minds of yesteryear were from Athens, while all the tough boys were from Sparta. This was due to their differences in value, culture and lifestyles. So going by this line of thinking, if we could manipulate our value, culture and lifestyles, would more of these genius minds come up the ranks, no?

Sadly no...according to Albert Einstein, arguably the foremost scientist of all time. In one of his quotes, he questioned why when somebody does something great, people always inquired about where did he come from, his upbringing, his background etc? A good seed will grow into a good tree nonetheless, maybe that was what he had in mind. But this doesn't mean we shouldn't provide good environment for our future genius to prosper. Give them proper surroundings and their mind could flourish into a beautiful mind.

Back to my original question. Where are all these geniuses? I want to meet them. I want to hear them speak their mind. I want them to blow me into pieces with their sheer brilliance. Where are they?

Because of their small number (2% of overall population), it's really hard to find or mingle with them. Most of our best young minds are currently residing in boarding schools scattered across the country. But I don't want to meet these young geniuses. I want to meet the real, fully grown up genius. The polished, tried and tested genius. Sadly, I don't think I could ever meet one.

So what should I do? Give up?

My philosophy is simple...if you can't meet them, read them.

I've read plenty of essays and quotes by Einstein, books by prominent physicist Dr Michio Kaku as well as Richard Feynman. These are all considered genius in physics (I love physics very much by the way). Among Malay geniuses, I could only think of one name (and no, it's not Adiputra, for me he's got a serious attitude problem). It is Adlan Benan Omar.

The late Adlan Benan Omar.

Much has been said about him over the internet, and one thing they all agreed about him is he was a true genius. A walking encyclopedia, a sponge mind...he was a bigger than life persona, the one who could dazzle anybody with his gift. My meteorite quotes on my information page is actually attributed to him...because he struck everybody like a meteorite. But he died young, he could have achieved so much more if he was given more time. But Allah knows best.

The other is Amir Hafizi. I'm not sure to categorize him as genius or not, but one thing for sure, he's simply brilliant. He's still alive, in fact, very 'alive'. And blogging too. I've read all his postings (he deleted his blog somewhere in 2007, but I've already followed him much earlier than that. The other blogs that I read in full include Manamyz, Rockybru, JebatMustDie, CheDet, IzniArifah and puanmisi) and he could be summed up as bright, inexhaustible, flowing, original, and rebellious. He dislikes system. He could be lecturer / teacher easily and lead a steady life, but he chose to pursue his passion. This post is actually inspired by his "The Best vs The Beast" post, because I remember his average of around 97% was quite the same as my friend Najib.

I still harbour a faint hope of crossing path with a genius one day. It's a pleasure reading their minds, but it would be a different level of pleasure to actually meet one in person. Among my friends here in campus, there are some exceptional brains...notably Mugu, Zila and Firis. Mugu is extremely down to earth, Zila has a pleasant personality while Firis is a bit eccentric. And I heard good things about a certain Bong Kee Kai from biotech...he dominantly outscores the rest of his coarse-mate. I never really talk to him, I knew him through his reputation.

Keep working hard, Pancasara...because you are no genius. Then Allah will decide the rest.

Monday, August 26, 2013


Aku baru balik dari tapak semaian...berjaya jugak siapkan 120 polybag. Penat tu memang penat, lenguh2 jugak satu badan, tapi yang penting puas hati. Aku tak expect projek ni dapat siap dalam jangka masa ditetapkan, tapi at least aku akan wat yang terbaik. Yang peliknya, proposal aku tak start pun lagi...framework pun belum sentuh...tapi projek dah jalan. Sama kes bak kata pepatah, pahat belum beli, tapi rumah dah siap (pepatah sendiri).

Kenapa aku buang tebiat taip dalam bahasa melayu pulak ni? Dah nak sampai ajal ke apa? Mintak simpang. Sebabnya semalam aku ada terjumpa dan terbaca satu blog sorang jururawat...bahasa melayu dia lembut dan lancar. Rasa tenang bila baca luahan tulisan dia. Semua orang memang dilahirkan untuk jadi penulis, tapi cuma sesetengah orang je yang memang dilahirkan untuk jadi penulis yang baik. Aku pernah mentioned dulu, bahasa melayu ni bahasa yang paling cantik di dunia. Kalau sorang tu betul2 pandai susun, rangkaikan dan luahkan kata2 dia dalam bahasa melayu dgn baik, orang yang tengah marah pun boleh jadi lembut hati bila dengar atau baca.

Dulu aku pernah dipaksa hantar artikel untuk masuk satu pertandingan...aku buat last minit masa malam sebelum deadline tu. Idea plak cuma dapat bila aku nak naik tangga untuk ke kelas prep...masa tu aku ternampak satu kapel tengah berbual bawah tangga. Aku tulis pasal diorang...tapi ada tokok-tambah sikit2 nak sedapkan jalan cerita. Bila result umum, cerpen tu dapat nombor dua. Aku pun tak sangka jugak. Then ada satu karangan bahasa melayu aku untuk exam peringkat SPM yang kuar majalah sekolah. Aku tak ingat kenapa dan macam mana tapi aku dilantik jadi AJK bahasa melayu...sebelum tu aku tak pernah join mana2 persatuan atau kelab. Masa tu persatuan bahasa melayu persatuan yang paling besar kat sekolah. Tapi aku tak buat kerja sangat pun...pergi meeting pun cuma nak cukup syarat. Dah sapa suruh lantik aku. Dah tau aku memang liat berpersatuan.

Ada sekali masa tu aku tengah tension, aku taip dan share problem aku kat satu forum internet. Posting tu jadi top post seminggu, walaupun aku tak reply apa2. Sampai aku pun hairan. Moderator situ tanya aku amik degree bahasa melayu ke? Dia invite aku untuk tulis lagi. Takda masa aku nak tulis lagi...aku tulis situ sebab tension, bukan sebab nak naikkan rating. Sorang lagi reply suruh aku tukar tajuk, baru sedap jadi cerpen. Aku bukan tulis cerpen la cik gayah...aku tulis masalah aku supaya korang boleh bagi pendapat. Stress betul. Aku nak release tension, tapi lagi tension jadinya. Start hari tu aku dah jarang masuk forum tu. Masa ni aku mula dapat tahu sikit2 rupanya aku boleh menulis jugak rupanya. Tapi tak la ke tahap A Samad Said. Tu dah creepy sangat dah aku rasa. Setakat kita tulis dan orang dapat faham, tu dah cukup baik. Sebab aku tak banyak bercakap, aku lagi suka membaca. Sampai hari ni aku tak tau sama ada aku tak suka bercakap sebab suka membaca ataupun aku suka membaca sebab tak suka bercakap. Selalu bila bercakap, akan ada gap...sebab kadang2 aku tak dapat cari perkataan yang aku nak cakap. Lost in conversation. Sebab tu aku prefer menulis.

Satu hari tu, aku selak2 sijil2 lama ayah kat rumah. Ayah dulu sama macam aku...sekolah di sek keb Tunjang. Sekolah kampung. Cuma sekolah menengah tak sama. Dalam sijil berhenti sekolah ayah, ada tercatat "berkemahiran mengarang dan baik dalam sejarah". Baru aku faham, rupanya ada sebab kenapa aku menulis dan minat sejarah. Bila Tun Dr Mahathir umum nak tukar bahasa pengantar dari bahasa melayu ke bahasa inggeris, masa tu aku terus berhenti tulis dalam bahasa melayu. Aku guna bahasa inggeris sepenuhnya dalam penulisan, tapi bahasa melayu still maintain sebagai bahasa perbualan. Benda ni aku amal sampai hari ni...dah nak dekat sepuluh tahun. Sebab aku bukan orang pandai...kalau aku pandai, lain la. Boleh switch bahasa sesuka hati. Di Penang, aku takda duit nak beli suratkhabar tiap2 hari. internet apatah lagi...laptop pun aku takda. Jadi apa yang aku buat? Aku amik akhbar TheSun yang free tu tiap2 pagi kat 7-11. Kalau tak sempat habis baca, aku bawak pergi tempat kerja. Pastu di Hamna, jiran sebelah rumah aku suka kumpul paper2 lama. Aku kutip paper2 lama tu (TheStar) untuk baca dalam rumah. Kadang2 paper tu dah 3,4 tahun lepas tapi aku still kutip untuk baca. Aku pergi library bayan baru tiap2 pagi kalau kerja petang dgn hujung minggu. Kalau tak ke situ, aku ke Borders. Aku habis baca semua buku yang ada di library tu. Borders plak, biasanya aku lepak sana sampai kedai tu tutup. Aku tak ingat dah berapa banyak buku aku habis baca kat situ...tapi yang penting aku tak perlu kuar duit untuk enjoy buku2 dalam tu. Sebab Borders mmg sediakan tempat untuk membaca free.

Point aku untuk post ni? Bukan tadi aku cerita pasal jururawat ke?

Aku quote kat bawah ni petikan ayat jururawat tu yang aku suka.

"salam..rindu betul aku pada laptop ni nak menaip berkongsi cerita.kalau dulu aku tulis diari n tersenyum sendiri bila aku baca balik,mcm tu la gak perasaan aku bila dapat menaip blog..cuma bezanya blog ni sesiapa pun boleh baca luahan hati aku..bkn utk menunjuk2 tapi sekadar berkongsi bersama.aku tak pernah suruh kawan-kawan follow blog aku semata-mata nak naikkan traffic blog sbb aku lebih selesa org yg tak kenal aku tahu luahan hati aku dan aku tak kisah pun org tak baca blog aku sbb aku cuma nak hiburkan hati aku sendiri bila aku dapat baca semula apa yg aku taip..." - (copied without permission)

Aku rasa dia sefikiran dgn aku...aku buat Pancasara dulu atas sebab yang sama. Nak share experience, nak inspire people....sebolehnya audience yang aku nak ialah orang yang aku tak kenal. Dan aku pun taknak orang kenal aku. Thank you puan misi...for your message, for your humility, and for your beautiful writing. Yang penting, aku kena kuat usaha.  Dia dah berjaya jadi misi, aku pulak masih ada misi yang belum berjaya. Terus berjuang, Pancasara!

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Moving in...Moving on...

I moved in to my new room today. I was given the privilege to pick my own room, and I chose the one closest to the WiFi router. This would be my new home for the next four month, a critical period of my life. This year would determine whether I would break free from the clutches of dark period that has been gripping me for the major part of the past decade. I don't want to go back...I've burned the bridges. So there's no turning back. I don't even want to look back. I am very much focused on the path that lies ahead. A path of freedom. A path of my own choosing. A path of my own creation. I created the path and I'll cross it no matter what. Then I'll move on to whatever fate would bestow me.

No one believes I could come this far...for all this time I have only myself to trust. I have this stubborn faith that if you put in enough effort in anything you do, you'll succeed. This is no ordinary faith, this is the law of life. There's no shortcut to success. If someone tells me that he's got a secret path to success without breaking a sweat, I'll tell him to go fuck kill die regenerate himself. There's simply no such thing. A Haji once related me a story about an old man who was in tears for having to pay 20 cents to use a toilet. The bewildered man next to him asked if anything was wrong. The old man simply replied that if we were to pay to enter this disgusting place, what price do we have to pay to be in heaven? What price do we have to pay to grab that elusive pinnacle of success? Certainly not a pittance. Certainly no shortcut.

I have no special talent, if people asked me my secret, I'll asked them back whether they want the answer in one word, two words, or three words.

If they want it in one word, the answer is "Work".

In two words? "Work hard".

Three words? "Work terribly hard".

Allah is the most merciful, the most gracious, and the most beneficent, who will bestow upon us according to our efforts. I just need to keep striving, to keep working hard. And I believe Allah will keep my hope alive.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013


I have renewed the pictures on my better reflect my aspiration now. I renewed myself every morning...I feel highly motivated the most early in the morning right after I woke up from my deep sleep. Fully recharge to take on the world.

Something related to renewal happened yesterday. I went to CAIS to return my overdue math book, and was charged Rm1.00. The women sitting at the counter is my favourite CAIS staff, and she reminded me that my other books (seven of them altogether) were also overdue. I cannot renew any of the books without taking them one by one to CAIS and manually renew them after paying the overdue charges. I left CAIS afterwards for my scheduled raya trip.

Just now I checked the status of my borrowed books, it stated that all of them were already renewed (three of them are renewed four times...there's no way I could renew it myself more than three times because the system would block it automatically) and their due date is now 3rd of  September. I knew who did it...I could almost see her smile right now. She will remain as my favourite CAIS staff. There's no second thought about that.

Monday, August 19, 2013


I've read somewhere in the past, that it's not the decision that matters, it's our readiness to deal with the consequences of our decision that really matters. This was the same piece of advice that I gave to Ashikin, when she was in a state of confusion to make a decision. I don't know how she's doing right now, but I've heard she'd already gave birth to a baby boy or girl.

Another piece of advice that I've learned in USM was "when in doubt, do". I tried to apply this line of thinking but half of the time, I failed. Sometimes you need to take a step back and rethink of your strategy when you are in doubt to do something. You need to be full-heartedly sure of what you are going to do before you could readily commit yourself.

So, what is my decision now? All of a sudden, Syafira came out of nowhere and sat right next to me (actually she was sitting on my left, so the proper words should be 'sat left next to me'?) and started surfing the internet. And playing games too. I have no idea.