I think I’ll put a temporary halt on my “throwback” moment. It’s quite tiring to switch back and forth between my current affair and my dreary past, because my mind is trained to focus on the future. My worst fear is the possibility of my past dragging me back to its clutches of misery. That would be a much dreaded nightmare.
That wouldn’t make much of a difference, though, because my life now is already a nightmare. I already deserted my hometown…becoming an outcast in this restless city of Penang.
While alone at the Sungai Batu beach this evening, I called Amir to check on his current condition. He was accepted as uitm’s master student in education. A good friend of mine while in Unimas, Amir severely lacked self-confidence. He often said that he was very jealous of me because I was purportedly “very good in everything…both education and sports”, a claim that I often find amusing. If he knew my past, he wouldn’t have made that claim.
Nevertheless, I tried to raise his spirit any way I could. I helped him translate his thesis into English, although I couldn’t find the time to edit his resume. He was very happy to receive his acceptance letter that he contacted me straight away. It’s ironic how I could raise other’s spirit except of my own.
While stopping by in Bayan Lepas night market on the way back from the beach, I accidentally met my long-time and long-lost friend, Sani. A friend of 18 years, I first met him in 1997. We grew up together in the same secondary school and shared many unforgettable moments together. I stood by him during his difficult moment. He was formerly slated to fly to Germany for his engineering degree, but fate was not on his side. Later his love life crumbled and he was thoroughly flattened. But luckily he regained his footing and got his life back on track.
Never did I fathom that I would unexpectedly follow his same dark path afterwards. He tried to pluck me out from my downward spiral but I refused any help, even from him. He came to my sister’s wedding and even pleaded me to attend his, but I totally ignored everybody, including him. I was sick of everybody and wanted to be totally alone. Maybe that was my undoing, maybe that was my mistake. But I did why I think was right for me and everybody else back then.
Maybe that’s all for today…I’m beginning to shed tears. If I could go back in time, I would. I surely would. So that I could undo all my past failings and restart everything from scratch. But unfortunately I couldn’t.