Thursday, February 19, 2015

The Soulmate That Wasn't

Written in August of 2009, I kept this piece of writing away from public view for almost six years. I almost forget most of the events described in the writing, because it happened a very long time ago. But by reading it back, it summed up all my sweet and bitter experience in those turbulence years.

I republished this for the sake of memory alone...not for any other reason. She has her own life now...and I have my own. I only think of her in passing nowadays...remembering how she used to be very nice towards me. But that's all of it. We never met again since 2007. We both refused to see each other since then.

She has completely forgotten about Pancasara now, but in the rarest of event if she inadvertently stumbled upon this blog again (there's 0.01% probability for that to happen...the same probability as if we were to be hit by a flying pan. That's practically closed to zero), sorry for using your old picture without your consent.

As I said earlier today, we cannot change the past...but we could always change the future. I look forward to a brighter future, with this memory as a reminder. That I was once a foolish young boy, eagerly trying very hard to turn fantasy into reality, but ended up destroying my own future.

Now, I present...

The Soulmate That Wasn't  
1. Born on 2nd August of 1985, Nurul Najwa turns 24 today...exactly 15 days older than me.

2. On that fateful evening in 2004, we met accidentally in Kulim bus station. She and her two other friends were in a loss. They approached me, asking for direction to Kolej Mara Kulim. Maybe they thought I was the local resident.

3. Upon realizing I was student too, one of them, Haniza, offered me to have a drink together with them. I agreed to their request.

4. She caught my attention by surprise...thanks largely to her natural beauty. My sight was glued to her...I was completely charmed by her enthralling outlook and exquisite manners. Love on the first sight, maybe?

5. We took a bus heading towards KMK. We never met again after that.

6. As fate would have it, we met again some weeks after that. I was training squash with my fellow friends in Kulim Hi-Tech, preparing for the upcoming KAKOM, when she suddenly appeared out of nowhere with her friends. Mr Tan, the squash co-ordinator, was on his way to check on our progress when he came across them in town. He picked them up and brought them along to the Hi-Tech.

7. My life in Kulim revolved around squash. I was handpicked by the Squash head co-ordinator, Ustaz Ikram to oversee the training of my other squash compatriots. I was given the captain's armband to lead the squad in KAKOM, held in Malacca. It was a proud moment for me.

8. But even when I was playing, my mind kept thinking of her. I wondered If I'll ever get the chance to met her again? I really wished I could.

9. My wish was granted some time later. I was grouped into the Reds team for KMK's annual Sports Day. Surprisingly, she was in the same group. The Reds were having difficulty in the badminton area's...they severely lacked players to compete in the tournament. Zaki, the outspoken Reds head, desperately urged me to join the team. I was reluctant at first...but agreed to his request later on..because of our friendship.

10. She was there..never had I thought she could be one of the Reds female players. Not even in my wildest imagination. With no racket in my possession, I picked one of the rackets on the floor. I eventually won the match against KPUTM...even though I last played badminton years ago. It was not because I was that good, it was partly because they were crap.

11. KPUTM stood for "Kursus Persediaan UTM". Some of us nicknamed it as "KEPETUM", and some even called it "KEPUT"...including Najwa. It was a degrading terms. We (matriculation students) had strained relationship with them. I was outraged at times with their constant jeers during the match...but I somehow managed to keep my cool and finished them off once and for all.

11. I discovered later I was using her racket during the match. I thanked her later on...and she replied she was thoroughly afraid her racket would "break into two"...due to my aggressive play. I never break any badminton racket up to this date...although I did accidentally smash my squash racket into the fibre-glass backdoor back in 1999 and had it broken into two parts.

12. We took picture shortly after the match. Oddly enough, it remains the only picture we had taken together until today. And I never had the chance to see the mysteriously disappeared.

13. That badminton affair proved to be a crucial springboard for our future relationship. In a rare consequence of events, we met again in a bus heading towards our hometown. A yet another coincidence. This time, I was with my tennis buddy, Azad as well as the diabolical Husrul.

14. Azad was my good friend back in KMK. He represented KMK for tennis in the KAKOM tournament. Husrul, meanwhile, prided himself as the former "MRSM Kuantan" students. According to him, he spoke KL's dialect because "he spent two years residing in boarding school that is MRSM". What a load of craps. I've spent nearly five years in a private boarding school in Malacca, yet I've never lost a bit of my native Kedah's accent.

15. At this stage, I had to fend off relentless challenges from the two of them. Introducing Najwa to them was my biggest mistake. Almost in a passing of seconds, they had developed feelings towards Najwa...epitomizing my worst-case nightmare. But I strongly think if I worked hard and sincere in my deeds, I'll win the battle and captures her heart eventually.

16. And I did just that...after much hardship and perseverance. But it came at a price...which I paid dearly. She was a feeble young girl, easily influenced by people...even if they had ulterior motives towards her. And she would regret her action after that. Upon realizing my frustration of her deeds, she braved the sea to meet me in Langkawi. That was the hallmark of her sacrifice...which I would never forget.

17. We declared the day before we took off to our respective universities...she was accepted entry into UM, while I headed towards USM. After pledging our relationship, her first words were "Hang percaya kat aku dak?" (do you have faith in me?). That phrase still rings inside my ear until today. And her first advice for me was to "refrain myself from making any friends with girls".

18. LDR (Long Distance Relationship) for the first timers like us? It seems like a very tall order. But we should try anyway. And I still keep my promise to her.

19. It was a smooth-sailing ride in the first year...but tumultuous moments awaits us the following year. The tension was building up even before that inevitable catastrophe happened, but I ignored all the signs. My inexperience and immaturity proved too much a hindrance for us...she slipped off from me in the most unexpected way.

20. I scratched my head in could this happened? Was it my fault? Or was it hers?

21. I was at fault...I must admit it. And she was at fault too. But I won't place the blame squarely on the both of us. Love was the biggest culprit. It was love which united us in the first place, and it was also love which separated us in the end.

22. Looking back, I did what I think was right for her back then. I relied much of my information from her nemesis, which may be incorrect or plain wrong at worst. But my guts feeling hold the belief that she was on the wrong path. I sticked out my neck to be slaughtered...with her family firmly behind her. That proved to be a disastrous decision...but what happened to me wasn't important.

23. This series of events left me with dire consequences. I suffered serious depression...unable to concentrate on anything. Sleep disorder ravaged the inner working of my immune system...and later I developed imsomnia. My condition was in a total chaos. It was a turbulent time...and I didn't get the support that I badly needed.

24. I applied for a year long break from USM...fortunately it was granted. I lived in exile for a year...trying in vain to pick up pieces of my broken life. Despite numerous attempts to lead a steady life like my former self, it was never the same. I lost part of my life in her.

25. Two years on...I gradually regained my self confidence. Life is too short to be wasted like I did...but I learned a lot from this painful experience. I befriended many people, many of whom who wouldn't possibly appear into the mainframe of my life if not because of this bitter tragedy. It was all the folly of love...wasn't it? Having a little dose of love is essential...but if we worship it too much, we would end up being the slave of love.

26. To my surprise, she emerged from her two years, self-imposed wilderness earlier this month. But her sudden appearance was marred with her shocking revelation a week later...somebody had proposed to her, and she was having difficulty in making a sound decision.

27. "Only you who have the patience to stand my behaviour..." she admitted. But love alone isn't enough...the most important thing now is money. I have plenty of the former, and it was proven to stand the test of ruthless challenges time and time again. I severely lack the latter...and given the strained relationship I have had with her family, that is too far out from my grasp.

28. She decided to accept the proposal eventually. If I were to believe her words (which I did), she accepted it half-heartedly. By her own admission, if the marriage doesn't shower her with her longing happiness, she has her pupils to cheer her up.

29. Regardless of her final decision, I am of the believe that we shouldn't accept someone whom we can live with...instead it is far better to choose someone whom we can't live without. But it was her decision...and I will respect it. I just need three years to prepare everything to get my life back on track. But three years were too long for her...even with the presence of my stout heart, I have lost her trust.

30. Now...time for me to shed some tears? I did...but not so severe like the last time. I poured my heart out for the last time...getting it all out off my chest. It felt better that way. There are three biggest wastes of life...time not properly used, talent not properly administered, and love not properly expressed. And I have floundered all of them all this while...

31. I still believe in love. Love does exist..we can feel and see the affection of love everywhere. Love binds people together...provides the spark that inspires people to reach a common purpose. But true love, coated with gallant loyalty was nowhere to be found has vanished, becoming extinct in the modern day euphoria of instant, fast-paced love.

32. I will shun love starting from this day onwards. The unusual way of losing my handset got me thinking, if love is such a hindrance for me, why keep shouldering the burden? Let it go once and for all...we won't die without it. Instead of dwelling on the gloomy past, it is always better to concentrate on the future. Shine or doom, we still have a say on our future...but we couldn't do anything about the past.

33. I dedicate this posting to Nurul Najwa binti Azmi, a humble, exquisite princess that once throned my heart. May she discover her true happiness afterwards, in this rash and uncertain life. For the better or worse, she had changed my life forever.

34. Now...having rid myself off the backlog of love for my new lease of life...where do I go from here? Maybe some squash would days without squash makes one weak :)

(Picture taken from her now defunct Friendster's account...and used without her prior permission. She wouldn't mind...I hope so)


*** What the fuck is "seven days without squash makes one weak" supposed to mean? Feel like I want to kick myself in the face if I could go back in time. Couldn't believe I wrote that stupid phrase back then (19/2/2015)