Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Andai Kering Selat Melaka...

...baru dikau kan kulupa.

Itulah lebih kurang ayat perpisahan dari Ketua Pengarah tempat aku menabur bakti ni yang bakal bersara.

Aku tak berapa kenal Prof Habibah, tak pernah bercakap pun. Jumpa pun cuma dalam mesyuarat tertinggi ataupun seminar. Tapi dari cakap-cakap orang, ramai yang tak berapa berkenan dengan beliau.

Sebabnya? Sebab memang perangai orang-orang kita macam tu. Suka sangat untuk tak suka dengan orang lain. Tambah kalau orang lain tu ada kedudukan sikit. Mula la tak senang duduk. Rasa nak cakap buruk pasal orang tu membuak-buak tak dapat ditahan. Rasa berdosa kalau tak buat dosa mengata orang. Aku sendiri tak faham ayat apa aku tengah guna ni.

Semalam, aku keluar berpesta. Pesta Penang. Ada Amzar, Syafiq, Rin, Nora, Fasih. Kitorang makan kat satu kedai siam sebelah rumah Acheh dalam tapak pesta tu. Makcik-makcik siam yang jual nasi tu boleh pulak cakap siam masa berjual-beli. Aku tau sikit-sikit ayat siam sebab rumah aku memang dekat dengan sempadan. Nasib baik sedap jugak. Kalau tak, sia-sia aku keluar ayat-ayat siam aku yang haru-biru tu.

Masa makan tu, si Fasih tiba-tiba panggil aku "abang". Sipi-sipi lagi rasa nak tercekik tulang ayam siam yang aku tengah makan. Tapi aku sempat control cool. Dia saja je nak kenakan aku sebab selama ni dia yang paling tua. Tapi skang aku dah ambil-alih gelaran tu. Jangan wat macam tu lagi Fasih. Aku yang berkeperibadian konservatif ni rasa tak selesa. Aku memang suka gelabah tanpa sebab yang khusus. Tapi aku masih setia pada yang satu. Walaupun aku sendiri tak pasti siapa dia yang satu tu.

Pastu diorang pakat-pakat main bumper car. Aku dengan Fasih tunggu luar jadi pemerhati bebas. Lepas langgar sana sini lebih kurang, abis. Ntah hapa2 punya game. Membazir wang ringgit je. Amzar jadi penembak tepat plak lepas tu dalam area fun-fair...menang angry bird kecik. Pastu kitorang naik Ferris Wheel. Fasih rupanya takut tinggi...bila kat atas je dia terus tutup muka. Seronok aku tengok dia masa tu...sebab aku memang suka tengok orang tengah takut. Lepas pusing-pusing lebih kurang, kitorang turun.

Apa tujuan aku tulis entry yang takda arah tujuan dan motif ni?

Sebabnya, aku cuba revive balik cara penulisan aku yang dulu-dulu untuk entry ni. Aku tengah bereksperimentasi dengan variasi cara penulisan untuk hilangkan stress. Entry ni ditulis berdasarkan cara penulisan aku sepuluh tahun lepas berunsurkan situasi semasa. Rasanya aku dah berjaya. Maknanya aku masih lagi boleh jadi diri aku sepuluh tahun lepas, walaupun jangka masa tu dah lama. Tapi kali ni je. Lepas ni aku akan tulis guna gaya semasa. Tu pun kalau aku ada masa nak menulis.


Aku yang dulu masih ada dalam diri aku yang sekarang. Ada sesetengah benda yang berubah. Tapi ada sesetengah benda, takkan pernah berubah.

Meminjam kata-kata terakhir Ketua Pengarah (tanpa izin, dan dengan editan)

Buah jering buah petola,
Buah terap buah getah,
Biar kering selat Melaka,
Aku tetap takkan berubah.


Monday, December 22, 2014

Keep the Faith

Eizan just posted a nice picture of our boss (Dr Zaf) through our department's secret WhatsApp group.

It makes me remember something.

The first time I saw her was on the telly. Astro Awani was covering a seminar in PWTC entitled "Bangsa Melayu Induknya di Sini". She was among the speakers for the event. I remember watching her confidently addressing a crowd of reporters with her scientific claim that Malays are the original inhabitants of this Nusantara region. It was a direct and specific claim, backed by DNA evidence.

For a large part of my life, I've been debating (mostly online) that Malays are the original occupiers of this blessed Tanah Melayu. But for reasons that were politically motivated rather than common sense, a sizable segments of non-Malays were harping (and believing) that Malays originated from Yunnan. And Hang Tuah was a Chinese. And worst of all, they had the audacity to claim that Malays actually do not exist at all. If Malays don't exist, so what am I?      

Dr Zaf, as she is fondly known of, almost single-handedly steamrolled all these wild and stupid claims with her scientific findings. Her research was verified and backed by a prominent researcher from Oxford, making her finding a lot more credible. She came out of nowhere to quash all the slanders and render all those stupid claims invalid. That made her an instant icon for me. She struck me as an extremely intelligent and confident woman.

I remember, deep within my heart then, I hoped to be her student. But I knew that wasn't to be. She was a full time lecturer in USM Kubang Kerian, while I was only an unsettled student with a severely ravaged confidence in Sarawak. No way I could learn under her tutelage unless some things of a miracle's proportion happens.

But, as they say, miracle does happen.

I am currently under her watch and if God's permit, is on the way of becoming her next full time post-graduate student.

How the hell did that happen? was a long story.

Right now, for reasons that are not related to academics, I am thoroughly downed with chronic depression. Everything seems to break and fall into pieces. I just hope that everything will turn back right.

That is what we all should do.

Keep the hope.

And keep the faith.

Somehow, everything will turn out all right.  

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Interference from Above

This is a quick post. Just to sharpen my writing and thinking. I didn't write anything for this past whole a drill warm up is necessary. I will write as quick as possible to let my frozen mind thaw.

I am sitting on a chair facing the school of art, USM. I used to come here a long long time ago to watch movie. There used to be a free airing of selected movies at the main stair here. They called it "movie tangga". It was 10 years down the road now. But it all seemed as it was yesterday.

I woke up around 9.30 a.m today...9 hours after going to bed. A full 9 hours of sleep. A lot of things are bothering my mind...that was why I slept that long.

So what are those things that keep bothering me?

Many things. A lot of of them. They are attacking me all at once. Sometimes, I feel defenseless.

So what am I to do?

I don't know.

I honestly do not have any answer.

I just hope Allah will intervene to correct everything and put my life back on path.

I could only hope.

It's Maghrib. Need to go.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Up and Away Again

I think it's almost a full year since I last actively blogged.
I'm dead but alive at the same time.
I'm alive but dead at the same time.

Whichever side people wanted to view me,
sometimes I feel like a virus,
neither dead or alive.

Lingering around without any purpose in life.
Just for the sake of existence.

You can't be dead if you're alive.
You can't be alive if you're dead.

So what am I?

For all I know,
and for all I care,
I'm still here.

And I will always be here.

For there are things that I need to accomplish before I face my Creator.

Saturday, July 26, 2014

That weird dream...

I couldn't sleep last night. I lay on my bed trying hard to sleep but I just couldn't. Something was bothering my mind. Was it because of the phone call I received last evening?

Dad called to inform me that sister has just arrived home. Good for her...but bad for me. He advised me against coming home this morning...or even tomorrow. What the fuck? I can't even go back to my own hometown during raya celebration? What am I supposed to do here in this DAP's dominated rule land? Now that is a bit racist I know. No...not racist...politicist? Is there such a word? Whatever the fuck.

In my dream (I couldn't sleep but still I could dream. That's just me), I went out with a couple of friends for late night drink. How the hell did I manage to convince them to go out with me late that night, I have no idea. I recognized one of them to be a certain Aaqillah Amr. The rest, I was not quite sure who they were. But she vanished midway through our outing, which drove me insane. I frantically searched her as I feared for her safety. Along the way, I encountered strange incidents...which I couldn't exactly remember. I failed to locate her...much to my dismay.

I was awakened by a strange noise. Not again? Something was rumbling off the top of my roof. I thought there was nobody upside there. Whatever. Just stay there and don't come down. Smelled like it was going to rain (yes I could smell rain), so I went out to pick my clothes. Stopped midway through the stairs as I noticed a gang of dogs were loitering around the corridor. I stared at them, they stared back at me. One of them barked boisterously and started running towards me. Fuck it dog. I ran towards my room. Luckily that stupid dog stopped chasing me.

Checked my mail and received replies from my possible supervisors. One of them asked me whether I wanted to do a post-graduate or post-doctoral? What is the difference by the way? I answered her in the most possible polite way. Well I just couldn't say to her "whatever would do, bitch" didn't I? That would just ruin everything. I need to keep my sanity.

I think I'm not that stable now. Better stop writing before I drift further. See then. 

Friday, July 25, 2014

It's a Friday!

Woke up quite early today...around 9 a.m. 

Heard strange noises last night...but I ignored it because I was too much very sleepy. I found out that my bread was pried open by something. Was it cat? or dog? or something else? I didn't lock my room's window last night. It was kind of creepy.

This is the first time I write after a very long hiatus. Even people very closed to me sometimes are very confused with my priority or preferences. It makes me very sad sometimes. But that's life I guess. No one will ever fully understand you.

I will start pouring my thoughts and emotions in this blog beginning today. Sharing is the best word to describe Pancasara has and will always be my best buddy.

Till then...chin up and cheer up. A very good Friday is on the way.