Thursday, April 30, 2009

A farewell breakfast

It was a fine morning. I woke up a bit early...around 7.30. I missed the clash between Red Devils and Gunners last night...but from the net, I knew the result went to Devil's favour, a narrow 1-0 win.

Around 8.45, I went to the Restu Cafe. I couldn't remember the last time I've been there. I noticed a reminder sticked to the notice board. It says students were prohibited from any "Scouting" activity. And all students must abide by this law to truly achieved the status of APEX University.

What "Scouting" ? The correct term is "Squatting". And still boasting about achieving APEX status, oh my...

I rarely took breakfast...usually I have "brunch", a cross between 'breakfast' and 'lunch'. I was due to meet someone today. I took nasi lemak with teh tarik. Actually I asked Ashikin for a breakfast together...maybe our last. She still didn't show herself up, so I waited for her at one of the tables.

Ashikin asked for a dinner together a week ago. But due to my packed schedule, the plan had to be shelved temporarily. With her due to depart home tomorrow morning, this breakfast was our last resort to meet for the last time.

A few yards in front, I saw a familiar girl. fellow state-mate, whom I first met two years ago. That day, she narrowly escaped a fatal accident because of her negligence. I told her to be extra careful in the future...maybe she heeded my advice well then. She sat in the opposite direction, so she didn't notice me.

A fairly fine morning was fast turning into a sombre one. A mild rain showered the area. There was not many people array of empty tables could be spotted easily. I hate farewell in whatever forms...but we must admit, for every beginning, there must be an ending.

Ashikin arrived moments later.

"Why bought breakfast before me? I'll pay for you..." She said while smiling.

"It's ok...I'm starving already..."

"Is it? Wait I'll order mine first..."

She picked her menu and sat next to me. Since I knew her three years ago, she never sat in front of me while we're out. Maybe she's too shy. This last time around, I asked her to sit in front of me.

"It's been a Seems to me it was just last night we went to Mc'D together, remember?"

"What last night? More like this morning to me...hehe"

"Sad to leave USM?"

"A mixed feeling...but I won't be a student anymore...sad la..."

We had a light and cheerful chat before I swayed the topic of conversation towards Fuad. Fuad is her boyfriend. But I heard nasty rumours that they already broke up. I wanted to hear her confirmation on this difficult matter...but I can't be too direct.

She looked uneasy over the matter of Fuad. After a long silence (I was doing all the talking to cover my ineptitude...shouldn't have brought up the topic in the first fault) she was ready to expose the truth.

"I think I should tell you something..." she says. "We broke up quite a while ago..."


"I don't know...maybe we're not meant for each other. There were some unresolved differences...we couldn't quite patch it up..."


"Since our last lunch together...remember?"

Our last lunch? That was a distant two months ago...

"During Chinese New Year, I think. He rarely messaged me...he was minding his own business. It sickened me to endure him behaving like that. I had this feeling that she still has feeling for her former lover. If only he could be frank with me..."

Be cruel to be kind?

"Something like that. No need to pamper my feeling if you're going to break it into pieces in the end. And why cry? That was uncalled-for..."

He cried? Fuad cried?

"Of course. He always did it. Maybe to gain my sympathy..."

I was left clueless by her sudden revelation...and had nothing to say to console her. She was clearly in a state of grief, and I have no idea how to soothe her feeling. After all, Fuad is my close friend as well. And it was me who matched them together in the first place.

Among girls, Ashikin will remain as my best friend ever for many years to come. She bought me "A Tale Of Two Cities", my favourite among classics, almost immediately after I told her about my preference. She organized a secret surprise party for my birthday. I heard somewhere that there was no such thing as " friendship between a boy a girl, without the interference of love". This was utter nonsense...our relationship is the ultimate proof of this fallacy.

She broke the silence moments later.

" I need to go...still have to meet somebody. Forgive me for all my misdeed or nasty behaviour...don't keep it to your heart..."

" It's ok...You've done nothing wrong...please forgive me also if I've done any wrong to you..."

"So...till we meet again...on your wedding day...ok?"

"That's a long shot are before me..."

" bye-bye..."

She left not long afterwards. 3 years...seems to me more like 3 days. Time really flies, isn't it?

Thursday, April 23, 2009

All in a day's work

One late afternoon, I received an SMS from an unknown person.

"Sorry I didn’t contact you this morning. But this SMS should be adequate…"

Contact me? I didn’t ask anybody to contact me?

"But Wanie said you left her a message asking me to contact you. You are Suhaimi, right?"

No no…I mean yes I’m Suhaimi, but I've never asked her to do anything in my favour. Who are you?

"I’m the new girl…"

I’m in a hurry right now…see you later.


The new girl? It can’t be…

Flashback a day earlier. After two days off, I was back working. I noticed a new staff standing a few yards in front of me. A very young girl in her early twenty’s.

We exchanged glances. I quite liked her. Pretty cute….but a bit tall for a girl. Judging from afar, she’s the same height as me.

I was still recovering from a serious flu infection. Out of boredom, I sat down and almost fall asleep.

Wanie came moments later. The new staff is her old friend. They were both from Chinese school. Wanie could speak better Mandarin than most of the Chinese here.

Wanie : Abang, she wants to know you!

Me : Who?

Wanie : My friend there!

Me : Haha...very funny.

Ah Ing : Ah mee aaa…come here!

Me : What’s the matter there, Ah Ing?

Ah Ing : Nothing…I’m dead bored…come talk with me. Quick!

Me : …………..

Ah Ing : You saw Ah Mad’s (Ahmad) girl there?

Me : Yeah.

Ah Ing : When’s your turn? You are not getting any younger, remember!

Me : I’m not interested…

Ah Ing : How come not interested? Don’t kay-si kay-si…

Me : I’m serious…(pulling a serious face in the process)

Ah Ing : See the new girl there? Pretty, eh?

Me : That one? (pointing finger towards Roselina. Roselina is a Chinese convert, she married a Malay man 9 years ago)

Ah Ing : Not that one…kay-si kay-si aarrr you. The Malay one there…free hair.

Me : Right…quite pretty…

Ah Ing : Not quite, very pretty loh! Go ask her number! Seize the chance! Be a true man!

Me : No way! What if her boyfriend beats me?

Ah Yong : Kannasai! Come! Tomorrow badminton, okeh?

Me : Okey…I’ll book the court tomorrow. Make sure you pick me up.

Ah Yong : After badminton, we go see Ah Kua, okeh?

Me : You go alone…I’m not involved…

Ah Yong : Kay-si kay-si aarr you. You don’t like Ah Kua meh?

Me : ………...

Syed : Mie, you noticed that girl was looking at you all this while?

Me : Why are all of you….! Are you all playing prank with me?

Syed : Hahaa

I stared at the girl one more time. They’re right…pretty cute. But in no way she would fall for me.

Almost two hours had passed. Najid came to have simple talks.

Me : That girl there…cute right?

Najid : Which one?

Me : That one there…new girl.

Najid : A’ahh

Sabri : I’ll ask Wanie to get her number! Is that ok?

Me : ……….

Ah Yong : Kannasai! Lai! Midnight movie this Wednesday?

Me : What movie?

Ah Yong : Scary one! Coming son! You better not scream!

Me : Coming soon la Yong. Not coming son. You kanine.

Ah Yong : Coming soon? Not coming son meh? Tomorrow we’ll buy ticket. I’ll pick you up.

Wanie : Abang! You really want her number?

Me : What number?

Wanie : Her number of course! Oh no…you’re blushing! Haha

Me : Where got blushing? No la…ridiculous.

Wanie : Her handset was broken. She wants you to give yours first.

Hafiz : Wait I’ll write down his number. Huhuhu.

Me : …….

(Why the hell they’re so excited is beyond me…)

End of flashback.

So I messaged her back that night.

Me : Is this your number?

Kyra : Yes…very sorry to disturb you this evening…

Me : It’s ok. But I thought your handset went missing?

Kyra : Somebody stole it. Dad gave me new one…

Me : Oh…I see. Sorry for my harsh treatment…I thought my friends want to play pranks. Who’s your name?

Kyra : Syakeera. But just call me Kyra...

I got a new friend then...

Monday, April 20, 2009

How fraud can you go?

On April 10, I received a mail from my Japanese-Australian friend, Toshi Matoi.

hi, Mi, how are you ?

this is toshi... have you recieved any message from my email account??

my hotmail account has been used by someone and at that moment, i cant open even me..

anyway, you still work at same places? i am planning to visit there again, will you be in penang or another places? will be end of June or beginning of July....

anyway hope to see you again, my friend!!

On April 16, I received this from the old Toshi's mail address.


Sorry I didn't inform you about my traveling to UK for a program.i am in London now and am having some little difficulties here because i was robbed on my way to the hotel where my money and my bag that contains my credit cards and some other valuables was taken away.I will like you to assist me with a soft loan urgently with the sum of $1200 to sort-out my hotel bills here and to get me back home as quickly as possible. I will appreciate whatever you can afford to assist me with, I'll pay you back as soon as i return,hope to hear from you soon.

Toshi, with his thick Japanese accent, won't be able to produce a shadow comparison as the decent English writing as the above. Somebody might have sneaked into his mail account, I guess.

And this fraud guy is attempting to squeeze money out of every Toshi's contacts with foolish mail like the one mentioned above. Cheap shot, faker!

Sunday, April 19, 2009

A Tough Week...

I've been struck with a powerful virus right after the much anticipated Futsal night. It was not a normal forced me to stick to bed for two consecutive days. It was a long time ago that flu prompted me to have an extra rest for a lenghty period.

I slept almost 12 hours a day for over a week, drank plenty of milk, stop surfing the internet, read dozen of magazines (mostly Shin Chan and Mingguan Wanita, donated by my sister...) and reluctantly had lunch in KFC to compensate for my loss of appetite.

I should recover fully by time for a crucial badminton showdown on Monday. So far I've assembled 6 strong individuals...and the figure could rise by tomorrow. Next week's going to be a hectic we'll just enjoy for the moment... :)

" Football isn't part of my life. Football IS my life"

Liverpool should be able to grab the double (maybe treble?) next season. Defeat to Chelsea last 4 days was just a minor hiccup...they'll come back stronger next season. You'll Never Walk Alone, Liverpool. We'll fly together!

Monday, April 13, 2009

Suatu 14 Februari...

14 Februari 2004, Stockholm, Nivea dan Hroistov merancang untuk balik ke Claire-Kimberly bersama-sama. Ketiga-tiganya belajar di situ. Stockholm, yang paling lambat diberitahu mengenai rancangan tersebut, tergesa-gesa menyiapkan diri seberapa segera yang termampu.

Stockholm tiba di terminal bas menjelang lewat pagi, beberapa ketika sebelum bas bertolak. Nivea dan Hroistov baru selesai menjamu selera di satu restoran dalam kawasan terminal.

Perjalanan ke Claire-Kimberly mengambil masa 2 jam setengah. Stockholm duduk bersama Hroistov…manakala Nivea duduk bersebelahan seorang yang tak dikenali.

Sepanjang perjalanan, Stockholm hanya mendiamkan diri…menghabiskan masa memandang ke luar tingkap. Pandangan Stockholm tertumpu pada deretan hijaun pohon-pohon yang memekar sepanjang jalan…bukti keindahan alam ciptaan Tuhan. Namun cuma pandangan Stockholm yang meleret pada saujana panorama hidangan alam, kerana fikirannya jauh melayang pada perkara lain. Banyak perkara bermain di fikiran Stockholm…yang kebanyakannya belum menemui jalan penyelesaian.

Sesekali, Stockholm mencuri pandang ke arah Nivea. Sejak pertama kali menemui Nivea, Stockholm sudah jatuh hati pandang pertama. Pertemuan tersebut tidak berlangsung lama, namun cukup untuk memberi kesan pada Stockholm. Kali kedua Stockholm berjumpa Nivea, semasa Stockholm berlatih di Claire-Kimberly High.

Separuh perjalanan, bas berhenti di suatu tempat untuk menurunkan penumpang. Kebetulan penumpang di sebelah Nivea turun di tempat tersebut, meninggalkan Nivea keseorangan dengan tempat duduk di sebelahnya tidak terisi.

Bas mula meneruskan perjalanan…manakala Stockholm mula berkira-kira dalam fikirannya untuk menemani Nivea, walaupun belum dizahirkan dengan tindakannya…yang kelihatan masih merenung ke luar tingkap. Selepas beberapa saat, Stockholm membatalkan niat tersebut…setelah memikirkan kurang sesuai untuk meninggalkan Hroistov bersendirian. Stockholm duduk berhampiran tingkap, manakala Hroistov berdekatan laluan tengah.

Tetapi Hroistov mula berkelakuan luar biasa…sekejap kelihatan hendak berdiri, sekejap kelihatan hendak duduk kembali. Jelas kelihatan Hroistov teragak-agak dan berkira-kira untuk bertindak sesuatu. Hroistov juga, tak tumpah seperti Stockholm, ada menyimpan perasaan pada Nivea. Jelas pada pandangan Stockholm, Hroistov ingin duduk di sisi Nivea, walaupun masih ragu-ragu.

Akhirnya Hroistov membatalkan niatnya…dan terus kekal di tempat duduk asalnya….tindakan yang melegakan Stockholm.

Setibanya di Claire-Kimberly, hari masih lagi awal petang. Stockholm, Hroistov dan Nivea mengambil peluang bersia-siar seketika di bandar. Claire-Kimberly merupakan bandar yang kecil. Jalan-jalannya tidak sebegitu sesak. Cuaca sangat baik…dengan mentari gagah menyinarkan cahayanya yang membahang.

Sepanjang mereka bersiar-siar, Stockholm hanya banyak mengikuti dari belakang. Stockholm seorang yang kurang berbual. Melihat Hroistov dan Nivea berbual mesra di hadapannya sangat memedihkan hati Stockholm. Namun semua itu dipendamkan kerana Stockholm tiada sebarang hak untuk menghalang. Stockholm sendiri masih tidak tahu apa perasaan sebenar Nivea padanya.

Sesekali, Stockholm memeriksa saku beg yang dibawanya. Dalam beg tersebut terkandung barang yang istimewa untuk Nivea. Barang penting tersebut masih tersemat dengan baik.

Nivea masuk ke sebuah kedai cenderahati. Stockhom mengikuti Nivea dengan rapat…walaupun tiada idea yang terlintas di fikirannya topik apa yang hendak dibicarakan dengan Nivea. Nivea memegang satu cenderahati kaca berbentuk bujur…dan Nivea kelihatan sangat berminat. Tidak lama kemudian, Nivea meletakkan semula kraf kaca tersebut, dan bergerak menuju Hroistov.

Stockholm memegang cendera kaca yang dibelek Nivea sebentar tadi, dengan fikiran jika Nivea berminat, Stockholm akan membelinya. Tetapi Nivea seakan tidak mengambil sebarang perhatian…dan terus berjalan dan berbual mesra bersama Hroistov.

Stockholm meletakkan kembali cendera kaca tersebut. Nivea sangat istimewa di hatinya…hinggakan apa sahaja yang istimewa di hati Nivea, akan turut istimewa di hati Stockholm. Hati Stockholm seakan diguris sedikit demi sedikit melihatkan kemesraan Hroistov dan Nivea. Barang yang tersimpan dalam beg Stockholm masih belum beralih tangan. Stockholm ingin memberinya pada Nivea…namun kehadiran Hroistov seakan menjadi batu penghalang besar.

Tiba masa untuk kembali ke Claire-Kimberly College. Di satu laluan, Nivea berhenti seketika dan memandang ke arah Stockholm.

“Kenapa perlahan sangat…dah la pakai baju merah...” katanya sambil tersenyum.

Stockholm tidak memberikan sebarang jawapan…sekadar membalas dengan senyuman. Senyuman Nivea menambahkan lagi perasaan sayang Stockholm padanya. Terdetak di hati Stockholm untuk mengambil sebutir batu yang berjajaran di sepanjang jalan, dan dilontar tepat ke kepala Hroistov. Biar terjatuh dia di pinggir jalan lalu maut dilanggar lori tanah ataupun digilis bas kilang hendaknya.

Masih belum terbuka ruang untuk Stockholm menyampaikan barangan yang ingin diberinya kepada Nivea. Nivea sangat asyik sekali berbual bersama Hroistov, menutup segala peluang Stockholm untuk mendekatinya tanpa pengetahuan Hroistov.

Namun peluang yang ditunggu-tunggu bertandang tiba juga akhirnya. Di suatu laluan, terdapat satu bangunan yang membentuk selekoh. Di suatu sudut, terdapat sebuah van yang melindungi pandangan dari selekoh tersebut. Setelah mengambil kira masa yang sesuai, Stockholm memanggil Nivea. Nivea mendekati Stockholm…sementara Hroistov baru sahaja hendak melalui selekoh. Di sebalik van tersebut, Stockholm memberikan Nivea barang tersebut…sebungkus kecil coklat Toblerone. Nivea sekadar tersenyum.

“Kenapa tak balut?”

“Tak pandai…”

Sebaik sahaja Nivea selesai menyimpan hadiah tersebut, Hroistov muncul.

“Ada apa?“

“Tak ada apa...” jawab Stockholm ringkas.

Niatnya sudah dilangsaikan. Hanya hadiah kecil tersebut yang mampu diberikan Stockholm kepada Nivea. Stockholm sendiri tidak pasti sejauh mana hadiah tersebut akan memberi kesan kepada Nivea. Yang pasti perasaannya pada Nivea sangat mendalam, walaupun Nivea mungkin tidak sedar...

* Berdasarkan kisah benar
* Skor 2 bijik gol futsal tadi. First time main dah digelar " Torres". Dua kali main mesti taraf Maradona.
* Balik rumah kurang dari 5 jam lagi. Yeah!

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Futsal, and back home...

1. On Friday, the badminton session went on as scheduled.

2. There were regular outfit such as Ah Yong Kanasai, Hafiz and me. Malik eventually turned up, together with Anip 'the coach'. Ah Yong's minor foot injury seemed to cost me three 100 plus last week for our losses.

3. Amir was the first person to arrive. Adam unexpectedly turned up several minutes later. In the end, as many as ten people were there...far exceeded my early estimate. Even Lah and Farid came to join the crowd.

4. When I first been toying with the idea of badminton, it never crossed my mind it would be such a success. Ah yong was the one responsible for making it a weekly affair.

5. When I proposed the idea of Futsal, it was warmly received. Hafiz and Amir even bought a new pair of boot to prepare for the game. We approached big brother Kamarul for his insights. He is the best ‘Futsaller’ I’ve ever seen, despite his physical attributes. For such a big body frame, he is extraordinarily fast and skilful.

6. I asked Acap, my former dormitory leader to join the fray. A Mathematics graduate of UMS, he was noted for his leadership quality while in KMK. He initially agreed to turn up, but he politely asked to include his own friends in the process. He would bring along his own group to compete with us.

7. After much consideration, I accepted his request. We lack individuals to make up the numbers…and I was equally afraid by the thought that Kamarul might call his Indian counterpart to compensate for the lack of participant. They are very skilfull, I watched them once. We will be outplayed to no end by them.

8. Futsal is my weak point. I can play anything as long as it involves my hand, be it badminton, squash, tennis or even hockey, but my leg fails me terribly. I can’t even kick a ball properly. How on earth would I perform tomorrow? I hope it all goes smoothly…

9. My two days off application had been granted. It was almost half a year since I've been back. I miss my lovely house, my family. I miss everything. As they say, time flies. Ten years ago I was still a small boy. And now I still craved to return to the good old days. When I was of any worries, free of expectations, free of any daunting task, free of all the hassle and bustle that crept up and haunted me almost everyday.

10. But life do offers some bright hope. Watching smiling faces on the street is a big relief. Life is unfair...but life is unfair to everybody. So life is fair after all. It doesn't matter if you were born fat, pretty, short, ugly, idiot, or even Einstein...if you live your life to the fullest, it more than makes up all your apparent shortcomings. Dream your life, and live your dreams. Do what you love, and love what you do. After all, we are just a normal human being. With the need to love, and the need to be loved.

11. And it makes me think of the one that had left me behind in pursuit of her love, and the one that I'd left behind in pursuit of my life. Throughout my course of life, I've done many wrongs, committed countless sins, hurt many hearts. I humbly ask forgiveness for all my wrongdoings. I can't change the past, the best I can do is to correct my past mistakes, and paint a better future.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Off Holiday...

1. Due to some circumstances, the vacation plan was scrapped prematurely.

2. Heavy downpour almost every other evening. Is the monsoon season finally arrived?

3. Still undecided for tomorrow's plan. Maybe squash...but Shah still in KL. Malik, as usual, delegates all the mess of booking for me to manage.

4. Ah Yong kannasai asked for midnight movie together, scheduled on Wednesday. The show : Shinjuku Incident. Ah Yen kanine agreed to follow.

5. Badminton on Friday. Still trying to break the stranglehold partnership of Hafiz-Malik. The towering Hafiz posed little was the skillful Malik who was quite formidable. Ah Yong was his usual self...a kannasai.

6. Finished "The Malay Dilemma" by Tun Dr Mahathir. Also "The Undercover Economist" by Tim Harford. Few pages remaining for "Mictrotrends". Still trying to finish "The World Is Flat" by Thomas L Friedman ahead of time (before the end of the month)

7. Baling...maybe next time...

Sunday, April 5, 2009

On Holiday...

Will be on vacation until Wednesday.
Destination : Baling

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy!

Friday, April 3, 2009


What am I doing right now? I don’t know. You don’t know. Everyone else doesn’t know. In fact, no one knows, except Him, the One and the Almighty.

I must be having schizophrenic reactions... I always do during these rare moments when I am confronted by fear.

I know I've always been the invulnerable stalwart that I claim to be. That others declare me to be. That experience has declared me to be. That destiny has decided me to be. Except when I begin to adhere to a cycle of insanity I call love.

And here I am - insane, vulnerable and afraid.

Powerless and clueless.

Hopeless, hapless, and helpless.

It's all because of your damned voice and all the memories that come scurrying back to my consciousness. That includes the memories of our short trip, when we coasted along together. Back home, back to where we are belong. Back to where my heart is torn between two inseparable pieces. You own half of my heart. You and me, our heart beats as one.

It was the first time I had a glimpse of the child in you - the first time I saw someone cast off his inhibitions and be so carefree and cheery. You taught me how not to take myself so seriously, which was often my undoing - because I deemed myself to be pompous, and therefore serious.

Unfortunately for me, this was the second time I fell for you.

And the comfort you offered me when I’m shedding so much bitter tears inside, for want of my peers' appreciation and comforting words. You saw my plight, and you understood me. Just like you always do...when I have my mood swings, when I'm goaded or just plain fidgety.

If I were a wild zephyr, you were the verdant forest who took delight in the cool air that I bring. If I were a cold cruel blade, you were my sheath. If I were the unreachable vast azure Sky, you were the calm blue sea who enfolded me in your kindness during the hour when everything becomes dark and dreary...

This cycle has started once again...I just can't explain why I always feel afraid when I open up my heart. Is it because it's during this point that I lose invulnerability? Is it because I'm afraid to be scarred by heart ache? Is it because I'm afraid to lose myself? Or is it because I'm just afraid of me, of what I can do, of the damage I can inflict to myself?

I'm scared, you know...I'm afraid, because I know you might just be another passing illusion. That you might be indeed the child my arms could never carry. That you might really be the dark blue sea I will never be able to embrace in my existence. That you might scamper away after all the pain I had caused with my words. That your world will go on that's full of happiness that I will never know. And yet, with my whole being - heart, mind, and soul - I yearn for a piece of that paradise I knew to be of a certain girl, with a certain name, a certain you...

Damn all these memories...damn all those moments of tears and mirth...damn your soft mellow voice that pierces through my being...damn your words that prick my bloated ego and my heart swollen with pain...damn your stubborn insistence on knowing who's on my mind every time I lapse into introversion...damn my irrepressible unstable emotions whenever you're near...damn your eyes that beckon my heart to stay...

Do you know how it feels when you want to cry out in excruciating pain, yet tears refuse to trickle down? I’m drying out of eye tears. Or how it is to exist, yet never be truly alive? Or how hard it is to breathe, because you’re suffering immensely inside? You don't know that, do you?

I guess you'll never know...I wouldn't have the heart to teach you, could I?

I love you.

(To the memory of NN. From the memory of N...)