What am I doing right now? I don’t know. You don’t know. Everyone else doesn’t know. In fact, no one knows, except Him, the One and the Almighty.
I must be having schizophrenic reactions... I always do during these rare moments when I am confronted by fear.
I know I've always been the invulnerable stalwart that I claim to be. That others declare me to be. That experience has declared me to be. That destiny has decided me to be. Except when I begin to adhere to a cycle of insanity I call love.
And here I am - insane, vulnerable and afraid.
Powerless and clueless.
Hopeless, hapless, and helpless.
It's all because of your damned voice and all the memories that come scurrying back to my consciousness. That includes the memories of our short trip, when we coasted along together. Back home, back to where we are belong. Back to where my heart is torn between two inseparable pieces. You own half of my heart. You and me, our heart beats as one.
It was the first time I had a glimpse of the child in you - the first time I saw someone cast off his inhibitions and be so carefree and cheery. You taught me how not to take myself so seriously, which was often my undoing - because I deemed myself to be pompous, and therefore serious.
Unfortunately for me, this was the second time I fell for you.
And the comfort you offered me when I’m shedding so much bitter tears inside, for want of my peers' appreciation and comforting words. You saw my plight, and you understood me. Just like you always do...when I have my mood swings, when I'm goaded or just plain fidgety.
If I were a wild zephyr, you were the verdant forest who took delight in the cool air that I bring. If I were a cold cruel blade, you were my sheath. If I were the unreachable vast azure Sky, you were the calm blue sea who enfolded me in your kindness during the hour when everything becomes dark and dreary...
This cycle has started once again...I just can't explain why I always feel afraid when I open up my heart. Is it because it's during this point that I lose invulnerability? Is it because I'm afraid to be scarred by heart ache? Is it because I'm afraid to lose myself? Or is it because I'm just afraid of me, of what I can do, of the damage I can inflict to myself?
I'm scared, you know...I'm afraid, because I know you might just be another passing illusion. That you might be indeed the child my arms could never carry. That you might really be the dark blue sea I will never be able to embrace in my existence. That you might scamper away after all the pain I had caused with my words. That your world will go on turning...one that's full of happiness that I will never know. And yet, with my whole being - heart, mind, and soul - I yearn for a piece of that paradise I knew to be of a certain girl, with a certain name, a certain you...
Damn all these memories...damn all those moments of tears and mirth...damn your soft mellow voice that pierces through my being...damn your words that prick my bloated ego and my heart swollen with pain...damn your stubborn insistence on knowing who's on my mind every time I lapse into introversion...damn my irrepressible unstable emotions whenever you're near...damn your eyes that beckon my heart to stay...
Do you know how it feels when you want to cry out in excruciating pain, yet tears refuse to trickle down? I’m drying out of eye tears. Or how it is to exist, yet never be truly alive? Or how hard it is to breathe, because you’re suffering immensely inside? You don't know that, do you?
I guess you'll never know...I wouldn't have the heart to teach you, anyhow...how could I?
I love you.
(To the memory of NN. From the memory of N...)