A Homecoming...

Fahmi arrived two days ago. My best friend in my sophomore year in USM, his sudden arrival came quite as a shock for me.

The last time I met him, it was a year back. Then, I was just coming back from a rare trip to KL.

I went there by flight...my first ever experience onboard. I went straight home after that, only for Fahmi to arrive days later in USM to complete his hectic 3-week intensive study schedule. He asked me to keep him in company...as Firdaus the ‘Papa’ was unable to join him.

I took some time off in the comfort of my home before agreeing to his request. It was a short semester break in USM...and I was still plunged deep inside my depression period. I needed space and time to recover...what better way to rejuvenate yourself than being in a company of somebody who understood you inside out and shared your agony?

We were born in the same month, have a strong passion for football game, used to skip classes together, used to quarrel about petty issues, have had a fair share of betrayal from someone close to our hearts, and did stupid and useless things together.

For three weeks, we locked ourselves in our room in Indah Kembara, battling head-to-head in Football Manager. I had the upper hand over him...as I was using Liverpool (with Torres firing on all cylinders) and he was managing his obviously weakened Arsenal side. He grew frustrated with the game...and at one time, he tried to block my acquisition of Ricardo Quaresma by deliberately (and of course, desperately) launching a late bid. But he failed to land that flamboyant winger, indeed he settled for the unknown Loric Cana.

Loric Cana, then the captain of Marseille, did score against his beloved Arsenal side in the Champions League. Another player, Fernando Belluschi, which I signed, was playing with another Champions League side that night...but we failed to get a glimpse of him. Most of the young players we knew today were the result of Football Manager.

This time around, Fahmi will be here for three weeks. Much had changed since then...but some things remain the same. Not even the passage of time will change them. Hard times are ahead...I wonder what’s his plan for the future, but for an intelligent man like him, I’m sure he’s got plans already hatched for the future. It won’t be easy, but we’ll try...

Moving On...

It’s been two weeks since I moved into my new home.

I left with a mixed feeling. Of course Hamna did leave a big emotional impact on me...having been there since May this year.

But it had to be done...Hamna is just too crowded. The parking lot was packed with cars...the environment was only a bit better than awful. And not a day passed without a doubt casted on my mind about the state of the tap water. Hamna is deteriorating badly...the whole area should be demolished and rebuild from scratch.

I’ll miss that cute, cherub little Chinese girl on the ground floor. Daughter of a very young mom, that innocent look caught my attention whenever I passed through her little comfort home. She just can’t stop playing with herself. There were no less than seven people packed into that house. I don’t know how they could live in that condition.

Next to the house, resides a family of Indian Muslim. They spoke alternately between Tamil and Malay. Once, they conducted a Yassin recital ceremony inside the house, with the door widely open. But religious tolerance is widely practiced here...everybody respects other’s religion and beliefs.

On the fourth floor of the building opposite mine, lives an old man of Indian origin. I suspect he is an Indian Muslim too. Everyday, he’ll sit on the balcony, with books on his hands. He’ll read and read...sometimes for three to four hours long, until late evening. He’s very old...I wonder where did he derive that insane stamina from.

Just in front of my house, lives a family of African origin. On their left is an Indian family...and an eccentric Chinese group living on their right. There was a time deep inside one late night, a young Chinese man laid unconscious in front of my house. It terrified me indefinitely...I really thought he was dead. A group of men, believed to be his friends, promptly explained to us that he was drunk. They picked him up and brought him inside their house with a burst of laughter.

It was a nostalgic moment when Ah Yong and Kamarul paid a brief visit to the house. It was there Hafiz humbled Sabri again and again in the game of football. Sabri grew tired of that and struck a boycott from the game. Amir came once in a while...to watch football or to have a simple chat with me. It was there that our relationship strengthened...I gradually learned and understood the inner side of him.

It was a memorable moment, and it left a lasting impact on my mind. I don’t know when will I visit Hamna again, but from the look of it, it just won’t happen in the near future. Thanks for all the memories, Hamna...you’ll be out of sight, but not out of my mind...

The Accuracy Of Death...

What if you know when will you die? If the exact date of your death was told in advance, what will you do just before death come calling?

When I was diagnosed with some kind of disease a year ago, I thought it was just a minor issue. Nothing to worry about...I can continue living my life. Read books, watch movies, play badminton, brush up my squash skills, eat extra meals, surf internet, sleep, dream, sleep again, and work part-time.

Since I was a small child, I was blessed with a great health. I never really contracted major disease, a stark contrast with my sister. Before she turned 7, she was diagnosed with blood cancer (popularly known as Leukemia). Mom and dad tried hard to save her, they gave out their best. One day, an anonymous guy miraculously saved her through blood donor, but mom and dad failed to find that godsend guy. We could never thank him enough for his deed.

When I was in secondary school, sister was caught with another fatal disease. This time around, her lung was found to be filled with water. She had this bad habit of bathing at night. She suffered terribly...and she kept on fighting to survive. She told us she felt very sharp pain whenever Doctor gave her injection...she was running out of tears to cry. She managed to survived this fear eventually...and was discharged off.

From that point onwards, she never really contracted any major disease.

When I was in standard 1 or 2, I accidentally cut my finger. The wound was quite deep, but I hid my hand behind my back, and asked permission from my teacher to go to toilet. On the way out, I showed my bleeding finger to Busra, and she was rightly shocked. I washed my bleeding finger with clean water. Although it wasn’t bleeding profusely, the blood just can’t stop flowing out, and I started to feel out of consciousness. I sat down beside the pipe...and almost fall asleep.

I cheated death on more than one occasions. One day, somewhere in 1993 or 1994, in the middle of a heavy downpour, I recklessly crossed a road. A speeding car came just within a striking distance...even to this day, I still can’t believe my luck. I’d be dead for sure if luck wasn’t on my side that fateful day. And I attributed that luck to God, He still wanted me to continue living and repent whatever sins I’ve committed.

There was one time, I rode my father’s bike so fast in the middle of the night. It was early 2004, and out of nowhere, there’s a voice in my head telling me that something was wrong at the end of the road. I continued speeding while trying very hard to figure what my unconscious mind is trying to tell me. To my horror, the road split into two directions, forming a junction. And there was a river on both sides of the roads. I applied the break just seconds before the splitting road, and it saved my life. I lost control of my bike, went to the ground...but fortunately I escaped that incident injury-free.

There were numerous other occasions where I should be fatally injured...but somehow I managed to dodge all the bad luck. To this date, my bones are never been broken...I keep my frail body in the best condition. I exercised, keep my diet in check, regulated my sleeping hours, and keep my brain recharged by reading good materials. All these are crucial to maintain a good health.

But there were times when things are out of your control. Some ripples turned into a massive tidal wave, a spark turned into a raging fire...these kinds of things disturbed us endlessly. It disrupted our pattern...and we morphed into something else. Something unthinkable...out of this world. It forced us to be somebody else...even thinking of doing foolish thing.I know the matter of life and death is in God’s hand...but I’d be happy if I could live past 60. That time was enough to accomplish my dreams...


Written somewhere around 2007, I found this piece stacked alongside my other unpublished articles in my hard disk.

Inspired by a Japanese movie with the same title (which I never watched), I began writing...but it sent chill to my spine whenever I went through this piece. The thought of suicide was very close to my mind...all the things that surrounded me during that period seemeed too much for me to stomach.

Thank God nothing happened...

On Second Thought, Maybe No...

I was awakened by a loud ring coming from my newly acquired mobile phone.

A locally made brand, CSL stands for Commitment, Service and Loyalty (not Chua Soi Lek) It was bought by my brother from the money made available by my father. I don't even have enough money to buy my own handset...

The call was from Ah Cat...deliberately trying to reach me that early afternoon. She taught me some Hakka dialects the other day...as well as some basic Mandarin. Kyra taught me some in the past...simple words such as Ni, Pu Yao and such. Ah Yong meanwhile, had been giving me some ridiculous Chinese terms such as kannasai, kanine, lao yi, and ah kua.

China is going to rule the world in the near future...so it is imperative to pick up some basic understanding of Mandarin. The west would be fast becoming the thing of the past...our future lies in the east.

(As of 2008, US GDP stood at US$14.2 trillion, Japan at US$4.9 trillion and China was worth US$4.3 trillion. Judging from the stagnant state of Japan's economy and China's robust growth, it's not the matter of if, it's the matter of when China will overtake Japan as the second largest economy in the world. In 30 years or less, China will replace USA as the world’s superpower...at least economically)

Later I found out Ah Cat was trying to ask me out for a lunch together. It seemed like a good idea.

The last time I ventured for shopping together with friends, it was a distant time ago. It was like a fading memory now...

I am frequently on my own. Almost all the time, I think about myself, cared for my own problems. I was totally absorbed in my own world. I don't need friends to survive...I lived alone for nearly one and a half year during that "dark" period. I read lots of books to divert my attention away from that painful feeling...it had been gripping my emotion ever since.

My mind was occupied by the same memories that never seem to fade away...it's been playing again and again like a track from a tape...as if they were trying to mock me. My heart was riveted by a constant fear and anger...it never seem to subside. These have been going on and on inside me until now...

When emptiness filled your heart and soul, you'd lost any bearing of life. When your heart dies, your mind would follow through...

I need to end this deadly cycle once and for all. Going out with a bunch of underage teenagers seems like not a very bad idea. Of course they are raw and young...and have little understanding of life. They have no clue what is waiting for them in the horizon...

"KFC…is it alright?"

"Movie on Monday...is it ok? That 3D cartoon quite interesting…what's the title?"

"Let's buy some snacks!"

And the most bizarre of them is...

"You want to follow us to Genting? 2D 1N...RM 80 only!"

Genting? By themselves? What the...? Kids nowadays are so advanced...

Despite my tendency to be alone, I'm strictly not a puritan. Nor do I believe or follow the puritan attitude of life. Life should be enjoyed as it is. Having a bit of fun isn't dangerous to one's future...as long as we could strike a right balance. I have endured many challenges...none of it succeeded in making me weaker in any aspects. What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger.

On second thought...breezing through the shopping complex with a bunch of Chinese underage teenagers? Fuck hell no...I still have a conscience. I could well be mistakenly viewed as a child trafficker. I am better off sleeping...

P.S I Love You

Several months back, while waiting for GSC to be ready for seating, a friend of Malik directed all his attention into a book. His act grabbed my curiosity. The book was covered with a paper...as if he was trying to conceal the title of the book.

"He's too shy to reveal the title of the book" explained Malik. "People will laugh at him".

I found the same book on the shelf of Malik's room some time afterwards. I was planning to read "The Golden Compass" beforehand...before my hand somehow touched the book.

"Is this book...any good?" I asked Malik, in a pessimistic manner.

"It's good!" He answered...enthusiastically.

I gave him the benefit of the doubt. So I borrowed the book from him.

I don't know what's so special about this book. Some time ago, while wandering around the blogosphere looking for good stories to fill my time, I came upon a blog which bore a name of the same writer.

And in one of the scenes of the recently aired "Sumpah Bunian"...the same book was spotted in Adam's (the lead actor) room.

The book was P.S I Love You. And the writer was Cecilia Ahern.

It took me two weeks to finish this 503 pages book. The story centres around two childhood lovebirds, Holly and Gerry who love each other very much. But the unthinkable happens when Gerry passed away...leaving Holly so devastated.

But Gerry had left her a bundle of notes to guide her out of her misery, each signed "P.S I Love You"

The storyline was weak...there were loopholes here and there. There was no particular chapter that held my attention grippingly...all the chapters were mundane and ordinary. The plot was loose...for instance, Holly's holiday was abruptly brought to an end. And their straying into the open sea, the quick action of the lifeguard to save them seemed...fake.

The plus point was the unexpected ending of the novel. From the beginning, I thought Gerry would eventually end up with Daniel...but it didn't materialize. Cecilia Ahern has a penchant for muscular man...she used this term regularly to give her character a favourable outlook throughout the book. And the novel was written in simple, easy-to-understand English.

I don't see myself reading another novel by her...maybe I am just not into fiction. I am a non-fictional type of person...before this, I never read a novel in my entire life, except for a novel by Ramli Awang Murshit, Satu Janji, during my matriculation year. It was recommended by a friend. It was a refreshing, thrilling novel...the one which were full of surprises. No wonder he has such a huge following.

Non-fiction puts our feet firmly on the ground. It feeds our mind with the inner working of our world...how the world works, why something happens, and what is wrong with our actions...past or current. In this fast-paced world, we need information to keep us on par with other people. Failure to do that is an unmitigated disaster.

As for Cecilia Ahern...thank you for P.S I Love You. Although this novel was average at best, it did touch my heart and offered me some insights into the inner feeling of a girl. I heard somewhere the best way to understand a girl's feeling was through novel. And I read somewhere the most useless thing to do was to try to understand a girl's feeling...they were constantly changing...sometimes in a matter of second.

Going by the simple logic: If reading novel is the best way to understand girl, and trying to understand girl is useless, so reading novel is useless...

So no more novel after this...it's a waste of time...

20 minutes of mystery...

Sifting through a stockpile of old articles, I came across this piece...written somewhere around 2007.

If my memory serves me right, I wrote this short essay to help my then temporary roommate, Hafiz, overcoming his crucial LSP paper.

LSP is a compulsory English paper to pass in USM. Although I somehow managed to scrap through with an A, this paper continues to haunt scores of students who lacked basic understanding of English, mainly originating from rural areas.

This article struck a chord with me because it was written within 20 minutes or less…maybe a record time for me so far for serious composition. It was written in one go...no editing. Ideas were flowing freely during the process...as if some invisible mind was helping me through, and the finished article was in print the next hour. I still believe it was my subconscious mind that helped me write this article.

And no...I wasn't consuming any drug at the said time.

Hafiz is now a full-fledged officer in National Statistic Department.


Canning has been a hot topic among educators, parents as well as academicians throughout the time, particularly the last few weeks. This is no part due to the opinion of the reintroduction of canning on girls. This has created much controversy, with many quarters of parents rejected the move.

Canning is used as a last resort to maintain order in schools. Schools nowadays are way very different compared to 20 or 30 years ago. There are all sorts of influence on teenagers these days...including overwhelming reach of internet, trendy gadgets, and booming culture that is not originated from our country.

This prompted school authority to ban certain things that are viewed as not proper to be used in school, such as the use of handset and lab top in school compound. And parents have become savvier about school regulation...particularly affecting their children.

The millennium parents are not the same as 20 years ago, where they leave their children completely at the hand of their teachers. They have become more protective regarding their children...and this has caused much difficulty for respective teachers. Teachers are aware that they may face unknown consequences from parents should they go on with the corporal punishment, but the need to keep their students in check over their behavior.

Some things change over a period of time, but some things just remain the same. In the case of canning, it is still viewed as necessary, particularly to control the 'mischievous' students. If they commit mistakes or improper conduct and neglected the teachers first and second warning, so what should the teachers do next?

Although the same punishment on girls are highly controversial, but canning punishment on boys should remain. But the punishment should be carried out in closed doors, as public canning would leave them with negative psychological effects, and they may become rebellious too.

Canning is a last resort to correct our students, as it shows they have done something wrong and to show the seriousness of their offense to the school regulations.

Some parents may object the punishment, as they viewed it as unnecessary. And they are scared for their children safety as well. Undeniably, all parents think their children are a good person, and they"ll defend their children no matter what. This in no part due to a student being a good child at home...so how come they can break certain school regulation?

Certain pupils have these kind of dual personality...they are so quite at home but can be abrasive in schools. So teachers have to react swiftly to prevent them from disturbing other students.
The same procedure (canning) has worked for enormous people...including individual that turned out to be doctors, lawyers and other professionals nowadays.

Ask any of them, and majority will answer canning is some sort of punishment that made them into what they are today. If the same punishment worked in the past, there's no reason why we should stop the practice now. It is for the betterment of our young generation, the leaders of tomorrow.

Resurface?

I've been tinkering with the idea of floating my blog again...after a prolong hibernation period.

All this while, I gave Pancasara his much needed rest. He's fully recharged now...eager to face the new world, with a new belief.

I don't want to rush him back too soon...maybe after a couple more postings, he'd be fully ready.

Face your fear. No excuses.