Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Where to, Pancasara?

It's been almost two years since I set up Pancasara as my official blog. Before this, I blogged through my Friendster's blog. But some problems rose unexpectedly, forcing me to launch Pancasara prematurely on September 27, 2007.

My maiden post was just a simple description on Pancasara. I have a vivid imagination on how Pancasara was going to be structured, it's contents as well as it's direction. No pictures to accompany my posts (although I did inserted some pictures to clarify some of my postings), strictly no self-picture (I remain anonymous up until today) and no political writings.

Although I somehow strayed beyond my self-imposed guidelines sometimes, but Pancasara was still intact. It serves to project my takes on issues, my thoughts and thinking, and my going on with life at the moment. Pancasara is my official "Blogography"...an online version of my diary.

I shutted down Pancarasa temporarily twice...due to some difficult circumstances. I never really publicized Pancasara...even my close friends were kept in the dark over the existance of this blog. So I can write almost about anythings without any worry...no one knows me after all.

The second time I closed down Pancasara was the longest. It put off almost all of my silent readers...although I never knew their exact numbers. Sani once asked me why did I restricted Pancasara's access to outsiders...the question I never really answered. Sidelined by a terrible internet connection and having to endure a difficult period of uncertainty, it did crossed my mind to shut down this blog permanently.

When a certain Nurul Najwa politely asked my permission to view this blog, I decided to once again open Pancasara for public access. I broke up with Najwa almost three years ago...although I never really wanted her to leave. I love her very much after all...once a lover, forever a lover...that was my principle. She kept her silence all this years...shutting off her Friendster's account, changed her mobile number, and left me entirely blank about her well being.

It was a terrible loss...the one that single-handedly changed my life forever. First cut is the deepest...as they say. I did my best to win her heart back...but it never really saw the light at the end of the tunnel. It was love that drove me to react...but the spark of anger drove me to over-react. My over-reaction was too much for her taking...it broke her heart apart into pieces...the pieces that were almost impossible to be together as one again.

When Pancasara once again went public, I wandered around the blogosphere for fun. I accidentally found a stream of exciting blogs...notably Namyz Yuzma, Fatamorgana girlz, and Rizuan...to name a few. What makes them so exciting is the fact that they are the current generation of my much-beloved USM. They blogged freely...sharing their joy and sorrow over the net with their friends. And they turned out to be a very nice lads as well.

I've been thinking about closing down Pancasara for the third time in a row...but was still unsure about it. My new rented house provided no Internet access...and my computer keeps breaking down at crucial moments. Maybe time will decides what's next for Pancasara...