A quiet change

I have a little brother, Fauzi. He is the fourth of the family, out of five. My siblings are quite unique…all were born in December, my sister and my youngest brother even shared the same birth date.

I am an exception, however. So too Fauzi. I was born on August, whereas Fauzi was on February, the same month of my mother. Fauzi has this one special trait…he will spurt out anything that crosses his mind. Anything! He doesn’t think twice nor has a second thought about what he will say. This causes him so much trouble…and he always ended up being in a fight or a quarrel with somebody over what he had said.

He never backs down on his words. He will say what he means, and means what he says…although sometimes he have no idea how serious the things he had just blurted out.

If somebody asked my friends who knew me after 2000 to describe something about me, I’m pretty sure 9 out of 10 will say that I am a man of few words…the one that hardly said anything. No one would have believe it if I say that prior to 2000, I was just like my little brother, Fauzi. Even my friends who had been around me the period of 1998-2002 forget this fact. People tend to forget easily…they say, mudah lupa.

I remember in one occasion, back in 1998, I was having a conversation with a certain Adi Saufi Mohamad Daud. I said to him, I feared being scolded by fellow seniors, as we were a fresh batch of juniors, and couldn’t quite understand the norm in boarding school. To my surprise, he boldly stated, which up until this day, I could still recall precisely his every single words…

“Engkau memang! Sebab mulut kau tu!”
His frank answer caught me by surprise. But I was so small and stupid that time, I couldn’t understand anything. And it didn’t stop there. On another occasion, I was saying something towards Ridhuan Zhafri (KLON, as we used to call him) which provoked him so much, and he simultaneously said

“Kau ingat badan kau kecik aku kesian nak belasah kau ke?!”
But it all changed in 2000. I couldn’t remember what really happened that changed me very much, but part of it was because the looming PMR exams. I studied seriously, and I became extremely quite. I didn’t talk to anyone for months…and when I started to talk afterwards, I couldn’t put up a proper sentence! I’d been muted for such a long time that I forgot how to construct a conversation.

In one occasion, to justify my state of silence, I said to Haikal Zakaria, one of my best friends at the time, that Allah created two ears, two eyes, but one mouth, so that we should listen more, see more, and talk less. Haikal didn’t quite agree with me…and the next day, he came up with a good reply. In an amusing way, he said we should berzikir more. I agreed with him…but I still hold my earlier argument true.

The tipping point was the year 2000. It changed me so much that I was never the same person anymore. I started to think carefully about what to say as not to hurt other’s feeling. Now, no one remembers what I was like prior to 2000. It is deeply embedded in their mind that I am a "quiet, non-talkative" person. Even Lan (Loqman Afiq) expressed his displeasure at me for teasing Icam somewhere in 2002, because he thought I was being unnatural. I used to be very quiet…he reckoned. Just 4 years earlier, that same behavior of mine wouldn’t have raised any eyebrows.

And up until this day, I hardly say anything to anyone. My eyes work twice as much as my mouth…as I am an avid reader. Some will say I am a quite man due to my fondness of reading…but I developed this habit long before 2000…since I was in primary school. I remember being a regular to my village library (Perpustakaan Desa), and read almost every book in that small library.

I’m not sure if Fauzi would follow my path…but for the moment, it is highly unlikely. He currently is in form two…maybe in a year or two, he will experience a massive change of personality, just like me. Who knows?

The Virus Attack

My loyal computer has been infected by powerful virus almost 3 weeks ago. The screen went blank...and I couldn't start my computer. At first I thought the problem lied with the monitor...I even considering allocating some money for a new monitor.

But Izhar mentioned about the possibility of virus infection. Maybe he was right...as I was unable to open and view "Gokusen" movie in my hard-disk, before my the screen went entirely blank.

Saiful came to the rescue...he installed a new antivirus (Kaspersky) and rectified the lingering problem. But he's going back tomorrow...leaving me alone as usual. Hafiz still hasn't return...even I don't know his whereabout. I thought he spent the night in Yat's house.

I made second contacts with Shuhada today...the first being yesterday. She confirmed his liking for Tariq...a shocking revelation. I thought she was just playing around. It was my fault after all...my initial reaction towards her must have put her in a difficult and strange condition. I still couldn't get rid of my state of nervousness after all.

Shuhada is a young girl...even she herself doesn't sure about herself. Her contacts and friendship with Waheeda make things more complicated. But seeing Shuhada and Waheeda in a same frame delighted me...these two girls are quite special. I tried to convince Shuhada to stay...but would she follow my plea?

Three months after...

The last time I wrote something in this blog, it was a distant three months back.

Nothing much changed then...only I am now three months older. And three months wiser than before, I guess.

I am back in my old room, this time with a better internet connection. I sported a wireless device hanging just next to my room. Maybe that stupid thing improved the connectivity.

Just finished reading three books. I love reading, but I have this one particular bad habit residing deep inside me. Whenever I read good books, I have great difficulty to finish it. I may get bored towards the end...or lose interest entirely. Finally, managed to ward off this stupid habit of mine.

"Tipping Point" by Malcolm Gladwell was an exceptional piece. I read it with great interest towards the end. Then, I re-read "Mullahs, Merchants and Militants" (the first time, I was stuck halfway) and able to finish it some weeks later. I even brought that hardcover book to my sister's house during a visit. She thought it was entitled "Mulan". How funny. I read it on the sofa until I fall asleep.

Next is John Mason "The Impossible Is Possible". Although it was heavy in Christian's value, but it was still a good read.

And just last night, I wrapped up Jane Austen's " Guide To Dating". It was time consuming...as I bought this book almost a year before. But this lovely book gave valuable insights towards understanding relationship between man and woman.

And I currently working towards finishing M Bakri Musa "Towards A Competitive Malaysia" as soon as possible. And almost five to six books are waiting on the shelf...still not sure whether I have the necessary time to finish all those.

"You are what you read". I hold this principle dear to my heart.

There was a time in the past, when I went to state library in Alor Setar. It was Friday, and I parked my motorcycle inside the library's parking area. The library would be temporarily closed during Jumaat prayer's, so I thought it would be better off to leave my Wave 100 there, as I would be coming back to the library later.

The library re-opened at around three, and I went back to the library. I was the last person to leave the library in the evening. As I was approaching my motorcycle, came a shout out of nowhere, with a strong voice.

"So this is the owner of this motorcycle! You know the whole staff are looking for you!"

"Looking for me? What for?"

"You dare asking me what for ?! You left your motorcycle here when the library is closed. They fear someone was left inside the library. They abandon their Friday prayers just to look for you!"

By this period, I knew this guard was exaggerating the incident. The whole staff looked calm and collected inside the library, as if nothing happened. I bet they didn't even knew about this minor incident. This guard was bluffing right under my nose.

"Is it? Pity them then. If they couldn't find the owner of this motorcycle, just go and observe their prayer first. The library's going to open at three after all...no big deal. The owner will come back by then...no fuss"

"How dare you said like that! You want me to call the police? You want to be charged by the police ?"

"Call the police? and be charged on what account? For parking inside a Public Library during Friday prayer's? Or for causing the whole staff to abandon their Friday prayer's in search of me?"

This guard thought I was a school kid, and can be easily frightened when mentioned about the police. The whole staff looking for me was a made up story, at best they didn't even noticed there was a motorcycle left inside the compound. Plus that library is so small that you didn't have to waste your entire Friday prayer's time to locate a person.

The guard left me afterwards, and he headed towards a man who had just about to start his motorcycle. He bad-mouthed me to him...and I could hear it very clearly. He repeatedly told that man that I was behaving "kurang ajar" to him.

He made a mountain out of a molehill.

Then I left, fearing that the whole staff would next abandon their Maghrib prayer looking for a person. Maybe they would abandon Isyak and Subuh prayers as well, if I were to leave my motorcycle there overnight. Pity that guard, and his 'full of exaggerations' story.

A Brief History Of Time - Reminiscent of old Aidilfitri...

I arrived home very late last night. It was very dark, clouds still shrouding across the sky even though the rain had long stopped. I braved this darkness alone...as I've done it quite a few times before. My mother was already slept, but she woke up upon hearing the drumming sound of my Wave 100 motorcycle.

She openned the back door, so I could squeezed my Wave 100 in. There's a lot of thieves lurking outside, so it would be much safer to keep this priceless Wave 100 of mine inside the house.

Mother looked at me. From top to toe. I realized her action, but I pretended Ididn't. I've been away close to half a year. The last time I've been home was when my sister got married. And that was December last year. Maybe not...I did came back somewhere between that, once...but I couldn't remember properly.

She must have missed me very much.

I headed straight to my sister's room. My sister wasn't home. According to mother, she'll only be home on Saturday. I'll be staying in her room for the moment.

My father was away working...and my younger brother was away too, with his new motorcycle. Father is fast reaching his 60's...he shouldn't be working any longer. He should have had a good rest at home by now. It was all my fault. At 23, I should be working. But due to some circumstances, I didn't. And my youngest brother was already in his dreams.

This was the second successive years I've been home at the eleventh hour for Aidilfitri. I couldn't help it...Syawal no longer a charm for me. It was all gone.

During my early years, I used to get very excited as Aidilfitri loomed. Aidilfitri was the day of the year for me back then.

My mother would dressed me and my brother up early in the morning. After making sure we were both neatly dressed, my father would then send us to Tok's house.

We never wore Baju Melayu. Mother and father preferred us to wear normal shirt and trousers...albeit a new one. There in Tok's house, we would stood there doing nothing. I remember on one occasion, I stood haplessly in the kitchen, wondering what to do next. I didn't have any clue of what I was doing. Tok would just passed by us because she was too busy preparing dishes.

When she finished, we would eat together. Then Tok would gave us 'duit raya'. Mother and father would arrived later to join the celebration.

I didn't go around the village collecting money untill I was in primary 3 or 4. I had very few friends...I would just stayed at Tok's house the whole morning of Raya. Usually I visited Pak Chaq during the interval, and not to forget my grandmother. And I would went straight back home after that.

On one occasion, on the way home from Tok's house, a cow let loose and ran straight towards me. As it darted towards me, I was so frightened that I went down awkwardly to the ground even though the cow never touched me. But then I claimed to my mother that I was hit by a cow. I didn't mean to deceive her, but at that time, I was very confident that wild cow really hit me. I guessed it was just my wild imagination.

Nek would gave out RM10 for 'Duit Raya' most of the time. She kept her money under her pillow. Somewhere in 1999, her health deteriorated, and she was transferred to Tok's house. So that she could be under close scrutiny from all of us. Everybody loved her, and everybody took turn to take care of her.

Pak Ngah was the best thing in my life during those years. Whenever mother mentioned that Pak Ngah would come, I'd almost jumping in joy. He owned a car, and he loved to take us around in his car. We haven't had any car at our disposal, that was the case. Aidilfitri would never be the same without him.

As I grew older, I started to gain friends. My friendship with Pi-on, Azimie and the rest prospered. Together with Pi-on, we never failed to accompany each other visiting from house to house, collecting 'Duit Raya'.

A sure destination was 'Salem Cool Planet' house. We called it so because the house owner planted a Pine tree in front of his house. And it resembled perfectly the tree we saw almost everyday in Salem commercial that was hugely popular back then. They would served us Pepsi or Coke, that was the reason why we loved 'Salem Cool Planet' house very much.

The glitch that glitters

I am a frequent visitor to Dossnet cybercafe. I do have an internet connection back at my lovely room, but it's way too suck to be good. USM, despite it's status as the sole and the first University in Malaysia to be awarded the prestigious APEX status just recently, is lagging behind in terms of it's internet connectivity.

Dossnet charges RM2 per hour, but they cleverly set up a membership account to attract and maintain regular customers. For those who signed up as their member, the charge is down to RM1.50 per hour. I happily subscribe to this kind of shit to enjoy that 5o cents privilege.

The problem is, this membership programme has its own shortcomings. The idea is good, the implementation is not that good, and the end result is as good as shit. First, there was a glitch in the system that erased all the membership pre-paid amounts. My good RM10 that I paid on the registration was gone. Luckily, they generously credited extra RM10 back into my account. For free! Stupid cybercafe.

Last night, as usual I tried to log on using my username. But failed. Crap motherfucker. That idiot guy told me there was a glitch in the sytem. Again! This time, all the passwords have been gone. So they set up a new password for every members. 1234, that was the default password for everybody. Once connected, we could change the password accordingly.

A wild imagination struck my mind almost immediately. 'Members' don't usually frequented this cybercafe on a daily basis. Given that they didn't visit this stupid cybercafe for days, there exists a loophole. A BIG loophole. If I could hijack their username and change their password before they do, I could enjoy surfing here for free. There's some fun there, isn't it?. I'm always a big fan of anything to do with the word 'free'.

I pretended my pre-paid was exhausted (which awkwardly is true), so I need to top up the amount. As Qiqi, that damn cute worker searched my username on the main computer, I glanced through all the available usernames. I registered it all on my mind almost immediately. When it comes to remembering something, my memory is in the class of its own. Fucking genius.

I tried one of the username, and it worked as planned. Shit. I'm a genius. I succesfully turned the glitch in the sytem into glitters for my own benefit. It was their fault for failing to curb my curiosity and supreme imagination. I just took advantage of their own shortcomings.

So here I am...surfing this shit called internet in this damn bloody idiot CC for free. Muahahaha!!!

Off you go...

After much consideration, I've decided to temporarily closed Pancasara from outside visitors.

From now onwards, this blog would be fully mine. Only me can read this blog. Muahaha.

I'm currently having to deal with a galactically big problem. A supernova kind of problem. Even I myself are not sure whether I can weather this kind of storm in the end, but I'll try my very best.

To quote Tun Dr Mahathir,

"Extreme situation needs extreme measures"

And extreme measures need an extremist to give this fucking problem a headstart.

I'll be an extremist then. Haha. Kannasai!

How big is our Universe?

"If the Earth is the size of a pea in New York, then the Sun is a beachball 50m away, Pluto is 4km away, and the next nearest star is in Tokyo. Now shrink Pluto's orbit into a coffee cup; then our Milky Way Galaxy fills North America." — Wayne Hayes.